What is moody.

So, I'm a freaking moody person. My mood as of this moment, is pissed. I'm freaking disappointed that I didn't get to talk to my dude as much as I wanted to today. There's always something in the way. I don't want to sound aggressive, or maybe clingy, but dude, I want to talk to you everyday, every hour, every minute if I could.

Not just that,I sent you a long message about how I feel, and you're acting like you didn't even read it. Eff this, I don't want to talk about this. Just the fact that I was waiting for your text the whole damn day, and I keep getting these short, almost senseless texts from you. It's frustrating. I was hoping to turn this day around by talking to you on the phone, but no, your game's much more important. Hey, it's fine with me, do what you want to do, just don't get too shocked that I'm pissed off.

And.. this post is not yet over.

So, it was family spa day today. The massage was relaxing, yes. I finally tried the hot stone massage. It was.. EH, nothing special. My whole Sunday was supposed to be relaxing, but no. After the massage. I had to wait one and a half hour for my parents to finish. The chair I was sitting on sucked, that my back hurt after sitting there for minutes. So much for a pain-free day. And, not just that.. I didn't get my foot spa, even though I was the one who really wanted one.. Long story short, my parents got the foot spa. Last month ko pa gusto ng foot spa, guys. Sino bang hindi mababadtrip dun? I was so desperate to get my callus removed, that I actually tried giving myself a foot spa. Emphasis on the tried part, because I failed. I even got wounds from this sad attempt.

So, I was waiting for them, right? Since you're not freaking texting me, I decided to read an old magazine that the spa provided me. It was the October 2010 issue of the Starstudio magazine, I think? The cover spread was about the adventure Mariel Rodriguez and Robin Padilla went through in India. It was an amazing love story, like a fairy tale, only true.

I can't help but feel jealous. What they had was love, true love. Why can't I freaking feel that way? Did I really give up on love already? Because it feels like it. Here I am with an awesome man beside me, and I'm still not contented. It feels like there's something more to this. He is truly the answer to my prayers, but why do I feel this way? Why do I still feel alone? Am I still adjusting? Answer me. Because I feel freaking sad tonight, and all I want in my life is to feel happy. I want to feel that temporary bliss again. It's addicting, and it's all I ever think about.

And here you are, talking to me, turning my day around, ruining the mood of this blog. You make me remember how much you make me happy. How much you love me. How much I love you. I can't stop smiling. I'm so lucky to have you. I feel contented now, and happy, and loved. You're my Robin, and I love you. :)

Sana I'm talking to you lagi na lang para di na ko maging sad, ever.

This blog's over. :P

Oops. No, it's not. Our phone call's over and I'm in a bad mood again. I freaking want to talk to you more. :( Yes, you explained to me why you didn't get to text me as much as you wanted to, and yes your reasons are more than valid, but dear.. You clearly have no idea how much I missed you today.

Overjoyed. Overloved. Over me.

I'm not heartbroken so this entry won't probably have much sense. My heart is happy tonight. Monty. You make my heart happy, you freaking lazy spoiled ass shit.

I'm still overwhelmed by the idea that he's in love with me. I can't believe it at first, but lately his actions are.. touching. Is that the right term? :)) It feels like as if I'm the most important person in his world right now. It was worrying at first, but lately.. I'm grateful. I'm very thankful to have found someone who would actually love me this much. :)

But, the problem is, I'm not yet ready to commit again. I mean, I'm ready to be exclusive again, but I'm not yet ready to give myself up, as much as I did during my previous relationship. I just lost so much of myself that I'm now afraid to lose who I am again. See, after the break up, I was such a disaster (Read previous blog entries for proof). I'm really thankful for my friends because they're the ones who helped me build up myself again. I'd also like to thank alcohol, I PROBABLY couldn't have done it without you. Grabe, I love my friends. That's why, this time, I'll make sure that I will have time for you guys.

That's why I couldn't love you as much as you love me. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what might happen if ever you'd leave me. That's why I need to be sure of us first. Am I some weak shit? :|

Please don't get me wrong, I really do love you. I just won't let myself be stupid again, and give up everything for a guy. Not yet :|

Overwhelmed

So, this is it. Things have been moving really quickly and I'm a little overwhelmed by the idea that I will soon be in a relationship once again. I feel worried because I know for myself that I'm not yet ready to be committed to a person again. I don't want to give myself up just yet. Hay, I really was not expecting anything from this :|

I like him, yes. But, I can feel it, I'm not yet in love with him. I DON'T KNOW. Sure, I think about him all the time. But that's not enough to say that I love him, right? I really feel like I don't :| And I feel guilty because I made him feel like my feelings are serious. :| I'm not saying I'm not serious about him. I am. Everything's just happening too fast for me. I'm scared to rush things. I want to be sure of what I feel first. :|

Hey, bitch. I just heard your voice from my imagination. Hahahaha, I love you. ;;)

Yea, I'll just see what happens later today. I'm freaking excited to see you. :)

Unorganized thoughts

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in fairy tale endings, and I hope to have mine someday, soon.

I am over my ex, I think. It's been almost a year. He has his new girlfriend and frankly, I'm not that bothered about them anymore. I feel relieved that I'm not his girlfriend anymore. Guys, you have NO IDEA how much of a jerk Amos is. Sure he loves his woman, but when you know what he's up to, you should be scared. ANYWAY. I don't think about him that much anymore. In fact, I only think about him when other people mention him. Well, I've been thinking about him lately because we saw each other by coincidence last week. And, it was not awkward. :thumbsup:

So, yea, I kind of like this guy. Do you know what I realized tonight? That I don't actually like him. I mean, I like him. But I don't like him, to the point that I'd be all depressed about it when he rejects me. Honestly, it's okay. I'd feel a bit sad about it, but not depressed. I don't actually want him to be my boyfriend. I just want some inspiration. If he'd be my boyfriend, then great! But if not, I'M FINE WITH IT. As I've been telling you Monty, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME. :)))

I just need someone to flirt with, to distract me from the horrible things the world has to give. So yea, I'm addicted to love. Love has been the most important thing to me ever since I've watched my fairy tales. I will NEVER give up on the idea that my prince is somewhere out there, searching for me.

Frankly, I don't see Monty as my prince. I see him as an awesome dude that would really make me happy if ever we'd be together. But no, we will not be together, ever. I think.

Maybe this is my defense mechanism? Making excuses just to feel better about Monty NOT liking me. Hmm. I don't know. I'm still getting to know myself better, so.. bear with me people. :))

I'm confused. I'm sad, at the same time, I'm not. I've decided to lay low on Monty's business. Sure, I will miss him. But, you know what, I'm fine. Heeeee, this could be a sign. I'm not yet in love with him. AWW YEAA.

I don't think I'm ready to totally sacrifice myself again to anyone, anyway. After Amos, I've been feeling hesitant on giving away feelings for anyone. This feeling for Monty, what the hell, this just happened. This was not my choice. I just realized one day that I'm freaking attracted to him. That one day when I realized that I was searching for him. I wanted him to talk to me, and notice me. It was something even I had a hard time to accept. He was not my type. There's just something about him. I don't know.

I don't want to fall in love with him, please God.

Hey, someone will appreciate me someday. 8->

Confused shit

So, there's this guy. I liked him for so long, that I feel like I'm in love with him already. I don't know. I've already given up on the idea of us being together, so I was not really expecting anything. I was planning to just feel all these kilig feelings whenever I'm with him.

But then he gave me some attention. And not just some attention, he was flirting with me. So, I was kind of hoping that he likes me too. But then, he indirectly told me that all these time, he knew that I liked him. He also indirectly told me that he's not interested in me. It kind of made me sad because he kind of gave me false hope. Medyo paasa.

He knows what he's doing. He knows what's happening, but still, he keeps on staying with me. I don't know if I should be touched or worried. Is he doing these because he likes me? Or maybe he just wants someone to flirt with? Well, he got plenty of those, so.. Hmm. Maybe he just wants someone around, to like him? Yea, I could be that person. Because this feeling won't go away any time soon, I can just feel it.

Do you know what's more sad about this? If ever he would actually like me, it would probably be because I like him. Gets mo? If he haven't found out that I liked him, then we would probably be just friends until now. He would never have interest in me.

Or maybe he's not that kind of person? I don't know. He told me that himself anyway. He told me he's confused. He doesn't know if he really likes me or maybe he just missed having a girlfriend.

That's what I like about him. Well, that's what makes me fall in love with him more. He's honest. Brutally honest, yes. But, honest. I'm happy that he tells me these kinds of things. He talks about his feelings freely. He even tells me his perv thoughts :)))) Not a pretty thing to hear, but I'd rather have him say it, than have him keep it all inside. I don't want any huge wave of pervness :)))))

The more I talk to him, the more I fall for him. He's different.

And I can tell all of these things to you. I can trust you with my feelings, I know. You're the kindest guy I've ever liked. =)))

I love you, you stupid ass shit.

I will have my fairy tale ending someday

Last night, I discovered that.. when my ex was asked what was his biggest regret, he said it was Clare. Clare is this uber pretty friend I have, she's so fucking cute =)) I didn't know Amos had a thing for Clare, or I just couldn't remember.

This made me realize that I am not pretty. I mean, boys would like me because they could have me. They have a chance with me, not because they think I'm special or anything. :( It really made me sad. So, I've decided to lay low on guys. I mean, what the fuck, why am I wasting time on making someone like me. If we were meant to be together, then he would've already liked me, I think. My point is, I don't want to force anyone to like me. I mean, I don't want to make the first moves anymore. I will wait, someone will like me. Medyo bata pa naman ako, may mabibighani pa sa'kin siguro. (A line form a Sugarfree song)

Why can't I just live happily without any guy. I know I can, but I don't know how to. I'm the most lovestrucked person I know. Searching for love has become my obsession.

You be the judge.

I felt an improvement today. So, yea, after maybe weeks of stopping myself from looking at my ex's profile, I did today. I was curious on what he's doing lately. Does that mean I haven't been able to move on yet? Maybe, maybe not.

I saw some pretty horrible things. Well, not horrible exactly. It's.. about THEM. The weird thing is that, I was not hurt because they're together and everything, but.. I was hurt because I just remembered how much lies he told me, how much of a lie he is. I mean, why would anyone do that? What did I do to deserve those lies? :|

Maybe he found his soulmate. Maybe he had no other choice but to leave me. It's okay. For your happiness, I'm fine with it.

But, you know what, I'm KIND OF happy because I have found someone else, that I am sure.. IF EVER he would actually love me, he will not be THIS bitch about it. I wish he'd just like me and then get this over with. Let's proceed to the labidabs part. :))

I can honestly say that he's not a rebound of some sort, because I was already moving on when I realized I like him. It's not like.. I like him just to like someone. I like him because he's awesome.

It's not like I planned this. It just happened.

Whenever I imagine my life with him, everything seems so much better.

Well, you be the judge. Do you think this is a rebound thing? For me kasi, it's not. I had my fair share of moving on time. I think I'm ready for a new relationship now.

But, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not. Who knows? Who the hell knows.

Crush him

I feel happy and inspired. Having a crush on someone is not as heartbreaking as I expect it to be. It's all full of that kilig moments that I love. HAHAHA. Hopefully this won't just stop at this stage. But it probably will. He doesn't like me, and that's that. :( I'd rather.. NOT ASSUME. BUT WHO KNOWS? Who the hell knows.

Paulo Coelho once tweeted "People who love in the expectation of being loved in return are wasting their time" Yes, I'm expecting SOMETHING TO HAPPEN, so is that wasting my time? Am I stupid? :( BUT OH WELL, this crush thing will stay like this forever. This relationship is a one way thing anyway. :(

UGGGGGH. I don't know. I don't want to expect anything, but I want SOMETHING to happen.

Don't get your hopes up.

This Is How I Define Love

Love. What is love? :| Maybe' I'm too young for this stuff. Maybe, I don't know a single thing about love. All I know is, love is a fairy tale story that will end with a happily ever after. And the search for my prince charming shall start IMMEDIATELY. =))

If something's meant to happen, it will happen, right? So.. there's this new guy, right? I'm starting to like him more and more, and I don't know if this is safe or what :| I want to just trust God. Maybe if this certain person doesn't like me, then he's not meant for me. Maybe it's that simple.

Love isn't supposed to be planned anyway. I mean, yea I like this guy, but I won't give him a flower or anything. I will just be who I am whenever I'm with him, and see how things will go. I'll give him my go signals, and that's it. If he won't fall in love with me, then I shall move on. It's that simple. Theoretically simple, of course.

Maybe, love is a kind of surprise gift from God. And a lesson for all of us, that things doesn't always go the way you planned it to, and that God will only give what's the best for you.

It's KIND OF funny when I think about this new guy. He's not EXACTLY my type, physically. But his personality's perfect. I can live with that for the rest of my life, I think xD

BUT, always expect the unexpected. Love is something that comes into your life naturally. Don't give in to the social pressure of the need to find the right one for you already. Don't be sad for not finding the right one for you, YET. PATIENCE, my friend. God will give you the most awesome person for you.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but SOMEDAY. You will certainly NOT die alone XD

I believe in destiny, yes. And that everything happens for a reason. We should not let any day pass without living in it. Live life to the fullest, yes, all people should do that. God made us alive because of SOMETHING.

I'm not really a religious person, but I believe in God, and that He's smart enough to make all these a reality.

Problems are made for us to solve. God will never give us anything we can't solve. Never give up.

Now, I shall let destiny lead the way.

I live a sad life.

So, I saw Amos yesterday. Yep, he's still so cute :3 I tried to avoid looking at him, but his cuteness is like.. magnetic O_O :))

We didn't talk to each other. We didn't even greet each other. Mainly because we didn't have the chance to. I think he was trying to avoid me? I don't know exactly. I talked to his dad and siblings, so.. I really don't know. :))

What I'm really thinking about is.. Why is he doing this? I mean, what are his true feelings? Because I can SOMEHOW feel like.. he's lying to himself. But, what do I know. I didn't get to talk to him for the past few months anyway. Maybe he's in a different state of mind now? Maybe he's a different person now? Well, I doubt that.

How I wish he'd be mature enough to face all of the things he did wrong. I wish he'd just apologize to me SINCERELY.

I wish he's really happy with his life right now because I can't do anything to help him be happy. GETS NIYO BA KO? :|

Teach me how to let go.

So, there's this guy.

I like this certain guy. Ewan ko pa, actually. As of now, no one but myself knows that I'm starting to feel serious about this guy. Pero, I don't want to go there, yet. I don't want to fall in love with him yet because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't exactly know what his true feelings are, but I think I have an idea.. and I can somehow say that he's not interested in me. Sad.

We spend time together.. but not alone though. There are alone times but.. not romantic ones.

I love spending time with him. But no, he doesn't feel the same way. I THINK. Hopefully, I'm wrong.. but I'm probably right.

So, I'm going to keep this secret with me until.. he likes me. :B

How to Solve All Your Problems

I can't say this enough, pero grabe, MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST PEOPLE EVER. Sobrang, I love them. I'd probably be dead without them. LITERALLY DEAD. Okay lang kahit binubully ako ng mga peeps, I still feel your love =))))))))

I've been so happy lately. I keep on thinking that something bad will happen soon. I can just feel it, for months now. You'll probably know via twitter and/or facebook if ever that bad thing would actually happen because.. Yeaaaaa, I'm a social network person. :))

Tonight, I feel like something's missing. I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS EXACTLY. I mean, maybe a lovelife, but I don't want to be in a commitment right now actually. I just want to share my happiness with someone, and I don't want to feel alone. I bet none of you got that. I want someone to whom I could tell all my stories to.

Am I selfish? I also want someone who depends on me. Like, I want to feel like someone needs me, as in.. I'm the most important person in someone's life. Does that make up for my selfishness? Wait, that's more selfishness! What's wrong with me :(

Maybe I'll be happy then? Or maybe not. Probably not.

But wait, I don't know what the meaning of happiness is anymore. What is happiness, really? Can I really reach that state, like.. permanently? Happiness is like a temporary high. It will soon be gone. So, what's the point of wanting it anyway? Yea, life's too complicated for me, kill me now.

I'm "chasing down every temporary high" sabi ni Stacie Orrico. I'm chasing happiness. Hindi ba lahat naman tayo? Who would want to be sad :( After happiness, there's no other way forward but to be.. unhappy. SO, WHAT TO DO?! Live life and don't think about stuff. Yea that's the solution. Thank you brain cells, may you rest in peace.

My mind's all twisted.

It's not love that upsets me everyday, it's how the world works. It's how unfair the world is. It starts with love, but it ends in a whole different thing, my thoughts I mean.

As we all know I still can't get over that cute man :( And I have no choice but to move on and to continue living this life. That is because I am a girl, and I'm not suppose to chase him. I want to win him back again, but I can't because it's not the right thing to do. Plus I'd look desperate and pathetic, which I am not. I just don't want to give up on us, yet. I still believe that it's true love. I just don't know what happened. What happened? WHO HAPPENED?

Now, I have to find or wait or whatever for the next guy, who should be worthy of me and my love. And to find that right guy, I need to look pretty. I mean, looks will probably be the first thing to matter in finding the right guy, yes? Or no? Maybe I'm stupid. SORRY. But that's how I see the world. And most probably, it's how most of us see it.

So, I have to look pretty, which is a bit challenging for me because.. I'm not pretty :< Well, at least by our national standard of prettiness, which is.. light-skinned, flawless, soft hair, sexy (meaning great ass and boobs), and.. I don't know.. international-looking? :))) We all have our different standards of beauty, yes. But, those are, I think, the most common description of a pretty person in the Philippines. Now, let us compare. Nope, I'm not light skinned, I'm not flawless, I have a very dry hair, I look like a stick, and I do not look like I came from another country. So, that's a big NO. :)) I'm not ugly though. I mean, AT LEAST FOR ME. Everyone has a standard on ugliness too, right? I don't think I'm THAT ugly :< I'm cute, SOMETIMES :)))))))))))))

So, looks to get someone's attention.. FAIL. :))

It's not that I think looks are very important, and so does the next guy for me. But, it's the first step to get someone's attention. I don't want the next guy to like me because of my looks, it's just.. HOW WOULD I GET HIS ATTENTION IF I'M UGLY. Okay, do you understand now? Because I'm already hearing future comments in my head, so I'm defending myself as early as now. :))

Now, personality. I don't know. I think I'm kind of.. a good person. But, not so much that I'm like Mother Teresa something. But I make sure, that my intentions are good, and I'm always in the right place. I always make sure that I'm hurting no one. And at times, when I'd realize that what I am doing is wrong, I put an end to it immediately. And I do all of these not because I'd like people to approve of me, but because it's the right thing to do.

They say I have this strong personality. Is that good or bad? I have no idea. I'm loud. I'm annoying at times. I'm moody. and I'm emo. So, I'm probably not in anyone's wishlist right now =)))) But I can make sure that I will love the next guy as much as I can. :B

So, probably no one wants me. I WILL DIE ALONE GUYS. :)) But I won't give up on love. NEVER. That is a promise.

With my looks and personality, I probably won't find the next guy soon. See how the world sucks? I don't want to try to look pretty just to catch someone's attention, and I don't want to be someone I'm not, just to satisfy anyone.

Well, at least I won't find the wrong guys. I mean, I won't find anyone who will like me just because of my looks, because I have no looks. And I won't find anyone who will like me because I'm super kind, and angelic.. because I'm not. ACCEPT MY FLAWS. DEAL WITH IT. At least, when someone would like me, he would've accepted everything that I am. A reason why the world doesn't suck THAT much.

It still sucks, though. Why can't I do what I want to do without looking pathetic? I also can't be the one who'd make things happen for a relationship to start. It's like, I don't get to choose, I get chosen. What if I want to choose? And I want to prove to the person I chose that I deserve him? Can I court him? Of course, I can't. Because it's wrong, and I will look desperate. Which, AGAIN, is not true.

The world sucks. Why do I have to live this kind of life? When will my life be sensible again? Probably when I choose to make a sense of it? :)) My questions are easily answered but the answers are difficult to execute. :<

It upsets me everyday, that I can't make a sense of everything. We'll all die someday, and after that.. when will everyone go? Will all of us be ghosts? Just ghosts of the past? I'll probably be a ghost because I can't easily let go of the past :< Maybe someday I'll get to learn how to do that. MAYBE :B

IT'S HOW THE WORLD WORKS. Why can't I just live 2000 years ago when living life is simple. Why do I have to worry about Love, and being alone? Can't I just marry all my friends? :< Why are we all being pressured to find the right one. And why would people let them go when they've found them? Why give up? You've been searching for the right one your whole life, and now that he or she is here, you're letting him/her go? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAAAAAAT?

I wish people would just find their partner, be faithful to them, marry them, have kids, then just die.

And don't get me started on the point of money. I wish people would just live equally. GRABE.

WHY ARE WE DOING THESE. Why can't we just make life less complicated? Stay good and then go to heaven. As simple as that.

SO MY MIND'S TWISTED? :)) I over analyze things :(

The next guy must be very lucky.

Do you know why I miss you? It's because when we were still together, I live in this imaginary world where nothing matters but you. Well, that was true until my friends slowly brought me to the real world. My friends, are the best things that ever happened to me. They tell me what I need to hear: the truth. AND YEP, TRUTH HURTS.

Maybe God's trying to tell me to snap out of that imaginary world. Maybe God's trying to tell me that it's time to face the truth: that Amos.. and my lovelife are not the only things important in my life. And that, at this age, it should be.. NOT my problem.

Oh well, at least, I've had my fair share of experience. And these are what I have learned from them:

From my first relationship: a person can leave you.. JUST BECAUSE.
From my second relationship: a person can use you. And that, I should not trust anyone easily. I should really be sure of what more there is for me. And that, I am important, too. Not just him.
From my third and, currently last relationship: A person can and will change. And I should be ready for that. Also that, I should learn how to balance my life. It's not all about love. It's about self-improvement, too.. And lots of other things. I must choose a partner who can help me be a better person, and hopefully, I can help him be better too. Hmm. I must love myself first, before loving anyone else. And I should be cautious.. hopefully NOT TOO MUCH, but.. cautious enough to see if he's not right for me. Hmm. I've learned that there should be trust in a relationship, and it's one of the most important thing. Hmm. There are still so many lessons to be written in this list, but.. I'm just, too tired to state it all. I'm sorry. But I think, what I mentioned above were the ones that are the most important of them all.

I should be happy. I deserve to be happy. I love myself for who I am, but the idea for not living for anyone.. it's making me sad. I mean. I want to live for someone. I want to make my life sensible. I want to just give up myself for someone. I think, that's what I'm best at: loving someone. Or maybe that's Algebra? I DON'T KNOW :(


I don't know. I just feel like, if ever I'd love someone.. i.e., you.. then expect me to never ever leave your side. Because I know how it feels to be left by a person you depend on the most. I don't want anyone to feel this kind of feeling. It's the most painful thing I've ever felt. I will never leave people that I love. But if I did, then there must be a very very very very deep reason why. So, what I'm saying is, for the next guy.. YOU CAN TRUST ME. I will stay with you as long as I can. I will love you as much as I can possibly love someone.


So. I will never stop searching and/or waiting for the guy who's worthy of me. If love can wait, then I can wait for love.

See? I love myself.

When will it be my turn to be happy again?

Things I realized today: People change. Sounds cliche, right? But it's true. It's the same person with a different personality, and a different point of view. He or she may have the same memory, the same experiences, but not the feelings. Feelings change, and that's just how the world goes.

My feelings will change someday. Maybe someone clicked the slow motion button on my life remote. I still can't understand why I am still feeling these feelings. 8 months and everything that had happened to me should be enough. But no. I'm still here. What's wrong with me?

Now, all I can do is to trust God. And believe, that everything has a reason. And every problem, every pain, every challenge that I'm experiencing today, is given to me because God knows I can overcome all these.

I really don't know what to say to myself anymore. I don't know what are the right words to say to make myself feel better. I wish I could just push that fast forward button.

I just want to live my life without anything to worry about. It's my choice anyway. It's my choice to think about everything that I am thinking about. I wish I just have no control of myself. I wish I could just crush my heart into non-existence.

When will it be my turn to be happy again?

The Nameless Blog

So, here I am again with my sadness and loneliness :| For the past few days, something.. moderately big happened in my life, so I paid so much attention into that event that Amos crossed my mind like.. 3 times less than normal. But whenever I think about him, I can't stop thinking about how he's doing.. how THEY're doing. I HONESTLY HONESTLY HONESTLY want Amos to be unhappy all his life without me, but at the same time.. I want him to be happy with his life. I mean, I love him and I want the best for him. But I want him to regret leaving me. It's pointless to live my life just to prove Amos wrong.. but, I think, that's the only thing I can do right now.. without being self destructing.

That moderately big event that happened recently.. it has to do with my self-destructiveness. I regret doing what I did. And I have alcohol to blame for that. But, oh well. It will happen sooner or later anyway.. I just didn't expect it to happen THIS SOON.

Sorry for the people affected. Blame it on the alcohol :|

Do you know how desperate I am to distract myself from thinking about Amos? So desperate that I did what I did. And, even after getting wasted, I still want to drink alcohol everyday, because when I'm drunk, I don't get to control what I think and feel. I don't get to control anything. Because when I control things, I tend to think about Amos.. I tend to want to talk to him, and be with him.

I want to smoke out my lungs to death. I want to drink alcohol everyday. I want to try drugs. I want to kill myself. All of these, just because you left me.

And the reason I won't do those things.. are my friends. MY BEST FRIENDS. And it sucks that I once chose you over them.

Also, I won't do that to myself because I love myself. I love being me.

You are never better than my friends.. and you're never better than me. You are the lowest of the low.

You are an ass hole. I hope you burn in hell.

JOKE, NO. I hope you'd just set things straight and let me.. not hate you anymore.

This is happening all too soon.

So this guy was telling me that he can't get over his ex, even after 2 years. I told him I can see myself in him. He told me that it's not supposed to be that way. The girl is not supposed to chase the guy. And I thought, he has a point. I'm not the one who should chase, I should be the one to be chased. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CHASING :))

Somehow, I got hurt in that conversation. And I thought to myself, why am I the one crying over the break up when I know that I deserve so much better.

The problem is, I have an issue in letting go.. and being alone. Not literally alone, but single.. single is the right word :)) Wait.. not single. Hmm. Replaced maybe? You see people, I have a very low self-esteem. Meaning, I don't see myself as a beautiful person. I think I'm a bit beautiful inside, a bit cute on the outside.. but that's it, no more vanity :)) See, MAYA, I don't love myself as much as you think. =)) Because of this low self-esteem, I'm losing hope in finding the right guy. I was searching for cute guys earlier. I found some.. but no, they didn't notice me :( I liked this certain guy I saw earlier. I got to sit with him the whole bus trip home, and we didn't talk to each other :( I know it's not usual for Filipino guys to talk to random girls, but I liked him. I was really hoping he'd talk to me or something. I imagined him talking to me, then it'll be A START OF SOMETHING NEW, like the high school musical song :3

The conversation I mentioned.. with the guy that can't move on.. I realized that I'm not an ordinary girl. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but if I want something to happen, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. Like, when I want to be with Amos, I make it happen. When I want to be with my friends, I make it happen. When I want to meet Maroon 5, I MAKE IT HAPPEN YEAAHHHHH~~~!!!!

Maybe it's a bad thing because it's not usual for girls to act like a guy. I mean, I chased Amos because CLEARLY I wanted him back. I looked desperate and pathetic. But, what do you want me to do? Wait? Move on? When I don't really want to move on? Don't you think it will be a bit self destructing?

But, of course, there will be situations like this that.. what I really want must not really happen. Chasing Amos is wrong in so many ways. One, girls do not chase after guys. Second, Amos has a new girlfriend. Third, I deserve so much better than him. Fourth, he does not want me anymore. AND THE LIST GOES ON.

It kills me to know that he's happy with another girl, that I'VE BEEN REPLACED. But at the same time, I feel happy for them. Also happy for myself, that at least.. after all these pain, my love, is very happy.

But my love, someday you will die. Sabi yan ng Death Cad for Cutie.. which is true. :))

I'd rather be dead than to be alive to see you dead. I don't want you to die. I want you to AT LEAST mourn. You loved me once, and what we shared.. It's all priceless. I just want you to show me that you did love me, and you treasure everything, and that you're sad that you lost me.

This is happening all too soon. I wish you had your mourning period or something.

BUT OKAY, THAT'S YOU'RE LIFE-in which I have no control of. I'm sorry.

I'm thinking of deleting your friends and family in facebook.. but they became a part of my life so.. I'm thinking about that THOROUGHLY, because I don't want anything anything ANYTHING about you anymore. Now, GO AWAY. I LOVE YOU.

WHAT IS THIS, MOVIE REVIEWS!?

Watched 4 movies in 2 days: PS. I love you, Blue Valentine, Never Let Me Go, and Serendipity. I wanted to watch a tear jerking movie like The Notebook pero yung PS. I love You lang yung pumantay. Grabe, PS. I love you is the shit. I will do that for my husband! That is.. IF I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND MY HUSBAND. Blue Valentine.. MAKES YOU NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE. Grabe, that movie sucks. No happy ending :( They fell in love, they got married, but then they separated. WHAT A SUCKISH LOVE STORY. DIE DIE DIE. But at least their story's amazing. BTW, LOTS OF SEX SCENES IN THAT MOVIE :)) Never Let Me Go.. hmm. I didn't know it was Science fiction pala. If I had known, I shouldn't have watched it. I WAS SEARCHING FOR A ROMANTIC DRAMA KASI, NOT A COMPLICATED STORY LIKE NEVER LET ME GO :( But, in fairness, that movie's awesome. I wish I had a clone like them, then I would never be alone again. Hihi. An addition to its awesomeness is the all star cast. I mean, it's weird. Andrew Garfield from The Social Network, Carey Mulligan from Wall Street, and Natalie Portman from Black Swan. WHAT IS AWESOME.. and weird. :)) Hmm, Serendipity. An old movie. It taught me to believe in destiny, and wait. Patience. It will happen at the right time. :333

So, now.. I am feeling BETTER. Better than expected. :)

Love is a complicated thing. It comes in different ways, in different forms. Love, the ultimate source of happiness and pain.

I'll wait for the right man. AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME. :))

So, you're his new girl, right? XD

I won't say anything that would ruin you and Amos. Though Im not saying that I have nothing to say to.. bla bla bla ..nevermind. :3

So, hi! I'm talking to you because I still love Amos :( And I hope that you can take care of him. I really really do. I wish you could give up everything for him. Because that's the thing I didn't do for him :( And he deserves so much better. I WISH YOU'RE BETTER. Just please take care of him, and make him very very happy T_T And don't let him get away from you.

And let him be selfish, and spoil him! He's a kid at heart who thinks he's all grown up, haha. And love him like you've never loved anyone before.

At wag masyado selosa. If there's one thing missing from my relationship with Amos, it's trust. Trust him. From the looks of it, I do believe that he really really loves you. So, you have no reason to doubt him. That's what I learned from breaking up with him: he did love me, above anybody else. But now it's you. And you should not take Amos for granted in any way. Because he's special. He's the most interesting person I know.

He can be a bit controlling at times, but just go with it. Sometimes he'd say that he's just testing you or something :)) Believe it. Believe in him. It will make him happy :3

And make him feel special. Make him feel like he's the most important person in the world.

Don't ever let him go. Make him happier. Appreciate everything he does for you. Don't hurt him. And forgive his temper. Wag ka na makipagsabayan if ever magalit siya. He can do unpredictable things, so beware.

Just, LOVE HIM. ALL THE TIME. MAKE HIM HAPPY. HAPPIER. MAKE HIM SMILE. Pati comfort him pag sad siya. Hug him :( Let him feel your love. <3 Gusto niya yung Make You Feel My Love na song daw. Sing it to him :)) I hated that song :))

TAKE CARE OF HIM.

I just want to make sure that when I let go, Amos is well taken care of.
So, goodluck. AND MAY BOTH OF YOU BE HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. <3

My unorganized thoughts

Do you know how much I love having my friends? NO YOU DON'T. Because I love them so much that I can't even imagine how super duper messed up my life would be without them.

My life would be more messed up without them.. than without Amos. Amos is just one person. And my friends.. they're the most awesome group of people that I can't live without.

This is a special night. I just remembered how lucky I am to have friends like Ayra, Maykel, Gew, Abby, and Shene. HI GUYS. PLEASE KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH >:D<

This night. I won't let one person ruin my life. I won't let one person depress me into insanity. I won't let these things happen anymore. Because unlike for you, I'm important for some people. They appreciate who I am. And I'm very very stupid to think that you can solely make my life better. Which is not true. Because my friends.. they're the most important people in my life right now. And I don't need you to be a better person, or to have a better life. I will get by. I will get over you. Not tonight, but probably soon. Because this night made me stronger. This night made the whole process a lot faster, and easier.

I lost you. And I have to accept that. And that would probably make me cry for nights. And yes, I will still want you. But now I know that I deserve better. And you don't deserve me. See, we're not meant for each other. And if we were, well then maybe someday we'll meet again.

You've waited four years. Maybe it's my turn to wait?

I have to let you go. I can honestly honestly honestly say that I will let you go. And I promise not to turn around this time.

And I love you. SO MUCH. Always.

Hopelessness is killing meeeeeeeeee.

Just finished watching P.S. I love you. I SHALL NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE :)) Grabe talaga. No one's too young for love! If it's love, then it is! No matter what your age is, no matter who you are, IT'S WHAT IT IS.

Imma watch Blue Valentine laterrrr :3 Iiyak rin ba ko dun? SANA. :)) I want to be depressed and sad. Hay. I want to be in love again. I feel like I'm missing something. I mean, I'm doing something wrong. OTHER THAN, NOT BEING ABLE TO MOVE ON FROM THAT STUPID STUPID STUPID BOY. It feels like.. I don't know. It's there, but it isn't. NO ONE'S REALLY GETTING THIS, I BET. :))

I WILL SOMEDAY MEET MY FUTURE HUSBAND.

MEMORIES ARE HAUNTING ME

Sorry for this.

Do you know how painful it is to imagine you, holding another hand, kissing another lips, looking through somebody's eyes. Do you know how I could still feel them all, your hands in my hands, your lips on my lips, your eyes staring at my eyes. And the feeling of just being with you. Do you know how excruciatingly vivid my memories of you are? Our last kiss. Our last laugh. Our last fun time together.

I WISH THESE MEMORIES COULD JUST LEAVE ME.

Remember the time I was taking care of you when you were sick. That happened twice actually.

Hmm, now things you did for me. Remember this? Our fake marriage contract? :)) You gave it to me for.. our anniversary or my birthday? I can't remember, I'm sorry :)) And honestly I didn't like it :( I liked the flowers with it, hihi thanks :">

Remember the time I cooked for you, then it failed, but you ate the whole thing :)) You told me it was delicious but it's really not =))))))))))))))))))))) I LOVE THAT MOMENT :)))

Thanks for the lomo cam pala. It's still here. Sorry I don't use it much. Didn't even manage to get the films developes. WHO DEVELOPS 120 FILMS KASI :)) I had an adaptor for it to be 35mm pero NAKAKATAMAD PA DIN SORRY. :)) Someday, when all the film expires :)))))))) HAY MAPADEVELOP NA NGA YUNG MGA FILM :(

I just wish I could make you feel my love everyday. I don't want all of these to come to waste. I wish I could just stop feeling these feelings. Can I just be numb instead, please God? :( Pero.. I will not feel happiness, so wag na lng pala. Remove pain na lang please :3

You know what, I love you. I don't know until when, but today it feels like I'll be stuck on you forever. And if you don't appreciate what I feel, then okay. I'll try my hardest to accept that, and the fact that I missed my chance and now you don't care about me at all.

I just wish you were right. I wish everything you told me was true. I wish when you told me that you died already, YOU REALLY DID DIE.

Oh, how I wish you're happy.

ALAM MO NAWALA NA KO SA MOMENT. NAAASAR AKO E. ANG TANGA.May autonomous status pang nalalaman ang UST. ANO BA, IGOOGLE NYO MUNA MEANING NUNG AUTONOMOUS STATUS PLEASE. AT MALACANANG NA NAG ANNOUNE, TINATALO NYO PA.

Joseph Guillermo - Magkaiba ang Autonomous sa Sovereign. Unless bansa na pala ang UST.

----YAN I LOVE THAT PERSON.

I feel like dancing

500 Days of Summer talaga e. IT ALWAYS REMINDS ME TO BELIEVE IN DESTINY. If it's meant to happen, it will happen. And if he doesn't come back, then there's the answer to my questions.

Why let the past and future control my now? I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I'M LETTING IT.

Do you know what sucks? That I remember EVERYTHING. But what's good about that is.. I remember every lesson. I've learned so many things in my years with him. Now I know what and what not to do, what's right and what's wrong. It just sucks that I have to give him up to learn all these lessons. But as they say, pain is the best teacher. We all have to experience pain to truly learn the most important lessons in life.

I'm going to take care of myself and not let anyone control me. But the guidance said that I'm a super tolerant woman. I let people control me. I don't want to lead people but I want them to lead me. And it's true. So, I will let people control me, but I shall choose who, who to give control of my life. Definitely not Amos. :)) I shall let Sandwich control my life. HIS CUTENESS, SO POWERFUL.

I just want to delete these memories please. Just the lessons. Leave the lessons.

Sabi ni Megan Fox.. The more you show a person you can't live without them, you are giving more reasons for them to take you for granted. So that made me want to stop talking to Amos. Thank you Megan Fox for snapping the shit out of me. :))

I realized that I'm just punishing myself everytime I think about Amos. I won't let Amos affect me again. HOPEFULLY.

I want Megan Fox's line tattooed on my arm, please? :))

It's time to die.

Wanted: Someone Better

I am torturing myself. I keep on thinking about him. I wish I'm always with my friends, they're always there to remind me that Amos doesn't deserve me, and I'm better of without him. Thank you friends so much >:D<

Later, while I'll be on my way to school, I'll be listening to Christina Perri, Adele, Mumford and Sons, Cat Power, Regina Spektor, and other artists who sing sad songs. :)) I WILL HAVE MY SLOW MOTION MOMENT LATERR. Because I am sad and alone. SANA HINDI ABSENT SI SHENE AT MAYA LATER. I DON'T WANT TO BE SADDER :((

I wish Amos is really in love with that.. PERSON. I wish it's not like a relationship rebound or something. Because if it is, then he wouldn't be really be happy. Then this pain would be for nothing. I will accept this pain because this is what he wants. I mean, this is what's supposed to happen. I don't really want to be someone who'd ruin true love. I wish that's true love. It's like.. sacrificing myself :)) Now, that's true love.

I shall be happy alone. I shall be prepared for the next man. SOMEDAY. SOMEDAY I WILL GET OVER AMOS AND BE HAPPY. JUST LIKE HOW I GOT OVER MY EX BEFORE AMOS. To be honest, I got over that certain ex because I got together with Amos. So, prang rebound ko si Amos. So, THIS ISN'T TRUE LOVE?!?!!??!?! I WISH.

IF IT'S MEANT TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAPPEN. I shall remember that, always. I should repeat that in my head over and over and over again. Just to remind myself, THAT THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER FOR ME, OUT THERE.

But for now, I WILL MOVE ON. THEN I'LL BE HAPPY. THEN, I'LL FALL IN LOVE AGAIN WHEN I'M READY.

Teach me how to let go, please.

Today I did what I always do: surf the net FOREVER. I stayed on facebook, twitter, stumble upon, 9gag, and 8tracks. That kept me busy from looking at my cellphone all day, waiting for his text.. and it kept me happy. Well that's depressing isn't it? :))

For the past few days I chose to think about Amos and be sad all over. I listened to very sad songs and I walked slowly and grasped every word in every song's lyrics, hahahaha. I want my moment, guys. It's my moment of grief, don't judge me =))

I downloaded 30 sad songs today :)) For my future slow motion walking moments.

I talked to Amos earlier. I got rejected. It was painful. Maybe he's happy with his life now? Maybe. Probably not. I know him somehow.

So, I'm still depressed. But at least I feel better than earlier today. I don't feel like dying. I feel like.. living. I feel like finding that future boyfriend and flirt with him like there's no tomorrow. Sana he ********* skittles :)))))))) *Dont count the asterisks :))

But I'm a moody person. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll be listening to those sad songs again and cry about it. Then I'd want to kill myself again :)) NO, I WON'T KILL MYSELF. EVER. Too scared of hell.

Amos rejected me. I did so many things to get his approval and this is what I get, rejection madness. I tried being what he wants me to be, because I really want him to come back to me. Be mine again. But no. Apparently, my efforts aren't enough. He told me he doesn't love me anymore, like a hundred times already, while me.. I felt pathetic when I was telling him I love him anyway. Because it's true. I love him. I love him more than anything, than anyone. Even when he stopped loving me. Even when he found another girl.

As you may have noticed, I have issues. It's hard for me to let go of anything, especially the most important person in my life. I think about him everyday. I talk to him as much as my pride lets me.

I should be happy for him. But, no.. I won't lie to myself anymore. I will get hurt and I will accept it. I will deal with it. I will not ignore it.

If only I know how to let go of things.

Everybody has his/her sad story. I'm just experiencing mine, today.

LRT

Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandirito:
Kung di kita nakilala, di sana ako nabuhay;
Kung ako'y mamamatay nang di kita nakilala,
Hindi ako mamamatay dahil hindi ako nabuhay

Pointless.

I'm tired of everything that's happening. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to do these routines anymore. I'm tired of everything. I want to just give up on life and do what I want to do without worrying about school, lovelife, money, or the future. Wouldn't that be fun? I wouldn't say my life would be pointless if that ever happens. Remember that I'll be doing what I want, what I love to do. Why can't life just be as simple as that? No responsibilities. No anything. Just you.

Ah, what a selfish thing to be thinking about.

I'M JUST TIRED OF EVERYTHING. It's like the events in my life are on repeat.

I know this is very very stupid, but.. This is all about Amos. I BET YOU SAW THAT COMING :)) I am clueless. I'm confused on what to do. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.. NO IDEA.. on the things we went through, together. And apparently, NO ONE KNOWS how much I love Amos. I TRIED TO MOVE ON AS HARD AS I COULD. I REALLY DID. Did. I stopped moving on. Because I know deep within myself that I'm kidding myself. I don't want this. I don't want any of these if Amos won't be a part of it. Yes, I am very very stupid to be controlled by the things he wants, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA, OKAY? You don't know how much I am willing to give up just for him. Tell you, I'd give up anything, everything.

What a stupid way to be in love.

I just want him back, please. God.

For now, I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of trying to be happy for him. I'm tired of lying to myself. AND FOR WHAT I HONESTLY FEEL, I feel like my life's pointless without him.

AND I SUCK FOR THESE FEELINGS.

But what do I care about what's right or wrong now.

This is what I feel. There's no right or wrong there. It's just what it is.

Help.

It's so hard to be in a situation where no one understands what I'm going through. Even I can't understand myself.

My body's like cut in half. Half of it wants to just let Amos go and be happy for him. Let them build their dreams. Let him replace me. Or not? Well, that's what I feel right now REPLACED. Maybe I'm not good enough for the girlfriend spot. Or maybe I'm too good for that spot. Probably not the latter.

The other half of my body just remembers everything about him, our good and bad days. Like, I want him back. I want to make him feel that I love him. I want to feel his hugs again. Nothing can ever make me feel more protected than that hug. I just miss him. I miss everything about him. And until now, I'm still wondering why these things happen to me. WHY?! I loved him more than myself. I did almost everything for him, I gave up my friends, I gave up too many opportunities just to be with him for a while. I just want to be with him, as ANYONE, as ANYTHING. Just to be with him. God, I miss him.

It's like choosing to be tired of the pain or to just love.

Life sucks.

I was stalking him online, right.. while I was reading their conversations, I realized that what he's saying was what he EXACTLY told me years ago. It's like he's repeating EVERYTHING. I felt like a lab rat or something, I felt like I was used or tested, like a part of a training ground or something.. "How to break a girl's heart".

No one can imagine how painful this is, okay? It doesn't make me feel better when you make fun of the things that I feel. Because this is true, this is painful and it's killing me. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything. Because I failed the easiest thing for me to do: to love the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't even get that right. What's wrong with me?

Is it wrong for me to feel grief after all these time? Is this wrong? Tell me, please. Because I really don't know what to do, or what to be anymore.

What?

What is this. I'm in this position yet again. But at least now, the worst thing I can think of is to learn how to smoke. And... Imma try that later :3

I wish I could rewind everything. I wish everything would just be okay and back to normal.

I remember you forcing me to choose between my friends or you. What an ass.

Stop lying.

I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I really do love him, and I'm still madly in love with him. And it hurts. It hurts to be left alone, clueless and still in love. I did not choose this.

I wish we're still together. Or.. I wish my future husband would be with me sooner. o_o

Do you know what I really think? I think I'll get over him as soon as the next guy comes in. Now when would that be? SOONER PLEASE :(

I am not who people see as a beautiful person, so I don't know why guys would choose me anyway. That makes me sad a bit. :))

I wish the person I like right now would just tell me he likes me, then we'll start on our movie-worthy love story.

Alam niyo ba. I texted Amos earlier. I texted him so many things, so many dramatic things to be exact. I got disappointed with myself but at the same time, I really wanted him to know those things.

When we were together, his password's Lovekodikko@06, JUST SAYING. :))

It's not that I can't give him up, it's that i chose not to. Because we were happy, at least that's what I think we were feeling then. And we went through big things you can't imagine.

Maybe if I was already with a new guy, Amos would get jelly and tell me everything, what he really feels. Because I really don't believe everything that's happening. I mean, who would be in love with that girl? JOKE. THAT'S MY BITTER SIDE BTW =)))))))))))))))

Why I don't believe him: I still live in the past. I can still remember everything he told me. He loves me. Maybe, he loved me.

I'm really sorry for what I made him go through. I wish our paths didn't cross like, 6 or 7 years ago.

I wish I didn't just fall in love with you. I wish you could just be happy while not hurting me.

What is this shit. Imma go. Bye.

Maybe.

As you all know, I'm still not over my ex but I'm almost there :)

So he has this girlfriend, right? And I pity this girlfriend kasi wala siyang clue about who Amos is, and what Amos is capable of doing. From my experience, he can be the sweetest person, but he can also be the worst boyfriend ever. And for the latter part, I know something that can prove that 100%. If you people would know what that is, it will blow your mind, I think.

Being with him for almost 2 years, I have discovered that he can't control his temper, and he's very unpredictable. Maybe I have no right for saying these things, but man, I do.

Maybe Amos just fell out of love months ago, and maybe he loves this new girlfriend very much, but we can't surely say that he'd not just fall out of love again, right?

I really don't want to deny it even to myself, so I'm just going to be honest here. Amos is still the person I really want to be with all of the time for the rest of my life. I still wish for him everytime I have an opportunity to wish for something. And it hurts, it really hurts to know that I was the only one being serious in our relationship then. It's not about what's right and wrong e, it's about the fact that I have accepted and loved him whole-heartedly, and I've already set my mind up that he's the one for me. He's the only one for me.

Maybe someday I'd be reading this entry and I'd be laughing at myself. Maybe my future husband's already searching for me. Maybe I have already met my future husband, but my heart's still broken to accept anyone in. Maybe.

God, it hurts. If I could really just control the world right now, I'd be with him and there would be world peace.

What's happening right now is really just stupid. Really really stupid that I pity myself that I'm in this situation right now.

Why can't I just accept it and move on?!

Wasted time.

Somewhere, someone is searching for someone like me. And can't wait to meet him/her. HOPEFULLY HE'S A HE, NOT A SHE. PLEASE. :)

I felt a lot better when Amos talked to me. Though our conversations were really short, pointless and stupid, it really made my day. But at least, I did not let my cant-move-on-self be stupid and careless about where I stand. I will move on SOON and that's final. KAHIT ANO PANG SABIHIN NIYA :)

ENOUGH ABOUT LOVELIFE PLEASE. Today I have discovered something about myself: that I can't really do long distance relationships, NOT AT ALL. Being in a different environment means being in a different state of mind. Personalities are bound to change and it's very uncomfortable to be with him/her again, well, at least it is for me. I wish everyone would just stay close to me. I want everyone to be a part of my everyday life and I want to know them more and more, because people are very interesting and I love them :)) :3

So I saw this little kitty earlier, SO CUUUUTE :3 But it's dirty and wet :( I really wanted to adopt him/her but I don't know how to take care of a cat :( Sooner or later that kitty will die and I will be sad and depressed. And to make myself feel better, I'll just imagine that kitty being in the kitty heaven with God, SO CUTE HEAVEN. :3

If ever I'd be allowed to enter heaven, I wish Sandwich would be there with me. My sister told me that animals don't have souls therefore they can't enter our heaven. It really made me sad but then I imagined doggy heaven, SO CUTE :3

I wish I have a life :)) I mean, a more meaningful life. Look at me blogging stupid thoughts, LIKE WHO WOULD CARE TO READ THIS. :)) I wish I already knew why I am still living, the meaning of my life, its purpose. I want to just do it and get it over with then die, then know if I'd go to heaven or hell.

The image of hell's torturing my mind but I can't stop being naughty :)))))))))))))))))) WELL THAT SOUNDED DIRTY I'M SORRY. :))))))))))))))

STOP READING MY BLOG, ITS POINTLESS AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, SORRY.

It's really a waste of time to think about the past. Live now, and appreciate what you have.

I hate people who don't appreciate the people that loves them! Those users, douchebags, assholes, scambags, jerkoffs, i hate them. (Terms taken from Kanye West's song Runaway)

I just wish that people would just love one another then make life more simple. SAY NO TO DIVORCE PLEASE, LOVE YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND. DON'T MARRY ANYONE IF YOU'RE NOT 50000000000000000% SURE, PLEASE.

If divorce would be legalized, then people wouldn't take marriage seriously, because they can easily break their marriage. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE MARRIAGE, WHY GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! AND THINK ABOUT THE KIDS PLEASE.

No, my parents are not going to be separated or anything, BUT PLEASE. THIS DIVORCE THING, SO NOT WORTH THE GOVERNMENT'S TIME. Is this another corruption idea??!?!?!?!?! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER I KNOW PEOPLE WILL GET MONEY FROM THIS. STUPID CORRUPTS, WANT TO CUT THEIR HANDS PLEASE. :-L

STUPID BLOG I KNOW, IM SORRY BUT THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS =))))))))))) KBYE :*

Sana hindi na lang na imbento ang lovelife :(

Someone told me that a break up is not really about who's losing or winning. I'm not really tallying points or something, but I do know that I'm losing, and it feels bad to lose. It feels bad that I've already been replaced, while I'm still being a sad bitch because of him. I think I'm better off "losing" because if I would've gotten into a new relationship as soon as he did, it wouldn't feel right. I still have feelings for him, so I shall move on properly, and then go to the next guy.

Another someone told me that his new relationship's just a rebound or somewhere near like rebound. Well, I wouldn't believe that because I don't think that he's the kind of person that would do that. But see, he's not the person that I thought he is. After the break up, I really didn't know who he was anymore. So, I really don't know what to believe. But it doesn't matter, really. It's not my business anymore.

Because of this break up, I really appreciated my friends. SMSg. I couldn't live without them. And my college friends too, the sabaw moments everyday are keeping me alive =)) I wish I could just make them my lovelife :)) Sana hindi na lang na imbento ang lovelife :(

Without my break up problem, I would really be very very happy right now.

Sorry for talking too much. It's who I am. :( :))

Well that didn't end well.

Kaasar. Punong puno ng BOYFRIEND tong blog na to. OH WELL. :))

I just need something or someone to let these thoughts and/or feelings out of my system.

If I'm still the person who posted my previous blogs, well I should be very happy right now because Amos and I are over. Now you may wonder, why? JOKE. I BET NO ONE'S WONDERING WHY. WE'RE BOUND TO BREAK UP. Our relationship was obviously dysfunctional.

Last Monday, while I was stalking him and his lovelife, I found out that he has a girlfriend. Maybe it's practical and excusable because technically, we have been separated since November 2010: 8 months. But in my excuse for not being over him UNTIL NOW, ANONG PETSA NA BTW, we still went out 'til mid February or March, I think? He'd sometimes tell me that he doesn't love me anymore, but I wouldn't believe him because we were still together and were still having fun. I chose to believe that there's nothing wrong. Although I have accepted the fact that I was fooling myself, and that what was happening then was going nowhere but downhill.

It's a stupid thing to think about the past and be all depressed about it, but I can't help it. I can't think of anything but the past, and the what-could-have-beens. I think that's a fairly reasonable thing to do since we had been together for 2 years, and I have already chosen him to be the person to be with for the rest of my life. I was wishing that he'd been thinking the same thing all along, BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

We were happy, we were in love, why couldn't that just be enough for us to be together, FOREVER. He chose me, I chose him, why does the world have to make it complicated. It's as simple as it is.

I HAVE SO MANY WHY QUESTIONS. WHY.

Well, maybe there's something or someone better for me. Maybe I'm meant to live with dogs, and dogs alone =)) I WON'T REALLY KILL MYSELF IF THAT EVER IS TRUE BECAUSE DOGS ARE THE SHIT, THEY'RE THE BEST PET EVER AND THEY ARE FREAKING ADORABLE, EVEN THE PITBULLS. HEHE :)

I wish I could've gotten the clues that this wouldn't last soon enough that you could have not hurt me.



VISIT http://www.paradigma.ru/wonderland/ IT IS AWESOME