So, I'm here again.

I'm starting to think  that I haven't really gotten over Amos. I mean seriously, I can't fully understand what these feelings inside me mean. Maybe it was the same as Amos' when he told me "You'll always have a place in my heart." and all that bullshit. He'll always be special, I guess. He's the first man to make me feel like I'm someone different. That sounds pathetic, doesn't it? That's how I feel anyway. It still stings inside whenever I see another woman beside him: one of the perks of Facebook.. you'll always be thoroughly updated, and it comes in pictures too! -_-"

Do you know that feeling of peace when you're with a certain person? That feeling of being meant to be, like you're supposed to be together and stay that way 'til the end? Well, that's exactly how I feel about him. I've been living in denial of that feeling because I've somehow accepted the fact that we won't be getting back together anytime soon. We have our own lives now. And frankly, I just don't want to feel that sadness and disappointment of not having him, just flow around me anymore. I just want to be happy, you know? I just don't know how to let this one go. I don't know how to handle my feelings when I've been feeling this way for the last 4 years.

Don't give up

I'm scared to think about myself and to whom I had become. I'm scared of knowing that I lost a part of myself while getting here. I know I'm not perfect, but I was always trying to be. Lately, it feels like I've already given up. I'm so caught up on the things that had happened between me and my ex that I feel like I'm restricting myself from falling in love like the way I did before. And I feel so guilty because the person that has to deal with this is my most awesome boyfriend ever. I can't even begin to describe him because I can't find a word that gives justice to how amazing he is. You can't imagine how lucky I am to find a person like him. And to be in love with me, is just.. out of this world. I can't think of anything ginormously good that I had done to deserve him. If anything, I was really waiting for a punishment from all the sins I've committed. But, God, am I lucky. He is the sweetest, kindest, the most thoughtful man I've ever been with. It's ridiculous, how this world works, but this man, I won't give up for anything, even everything.

Now, back to the topic. After dealing with all the drama about my ex, and settling with the most incredible man I know, I've suddenly forgot to be a girlfriend. And I don't know how to get back into being that hopeless romantic again. Don't get me wrong, I love Motby so much, more than you can imagine. But it feels like I've given up on the thought that we'll end up together. I've been so pessimistic about everything, and this relationship is no exception. Sure, we've been dreaming about our futures together, but something inside of me is just giving up on a great future. My heart had been full of disappointments, and pain, and all things negative, and it's taking its time on recovering. And in that recovery, Motby had really been a big help. I can feel inside myself, little by little, that I've been replacing these pain and negativity, with love, and care, and happiness of being with this incredible guy. I'm slowly getting the hope that I've lost back, all thanks to this amazing boyfriend of mine. I just hope that I'll be back on my feet again before he gives up on me.

Please don't give up on me, Motby.

Not again?

My system's now filled with sadness and disappointment. I guess having a day for yourself is too much to ask. So.. oh well, I'm not special enough to have my birthday considered special. I'm just another dot in a world where everything's possible.

Hey check this out (a Conan topic changer)

Only recently have I considered me having to win all the time as an issue. I wouldn't even notice it without my boyfriend pointing it out for me. Well, I assumed that everyone has their competitive side in them, so I never really considered it an issue. Until me and my boyfriend had been constantly arguing because of it. My boyfriend is the kindest boyfriend ever, so he lets me win all the time. I don't really know what exactly is his side of the story, so I can't elaborate much on the topic. What I know is that he's fed up with all my unfair winning at everything.

I want to change, of course. I want to be better for him. But, I don't know where to start. I don't even know how. And I'm not even sure if I can really keep up with this change, so nothing's really happening. Actually we've decided to break up, so.

Yep, that's pain.

It was humiliating to cry in front of strangers. But at least, I can say I just yawned or something. Or I can just, not explain anything to them because they're just strangers. (What :)))

It had been painful. It's only been a day, yet it's as excruciating as two years worth of failure. All I wanted was for you to fight for me, to tell me that you'd still love me no matter how moody I get sometimes. But no, I guess I'm not much of an important person to fight for. I'm not that worth it.

Deja Vu it seems. Only this time, I can stop shit earlier. This time, I'll give my partner a favor and let him go this early. I won't let him suffer with me anymore. I'm a messed up person and I don't want to drag anyone into this hell hole called life.

I love him so much that I have to let go, because I know where this is going. I've been here before. And only more pain is ahead of us. I can't let you go through this. The unbearable pain is too much for a sissy boy like you. I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I'm sorry for loving you this much. I'm sorry I can't take care of you like I promised.

But just know that I'm always here. Whoever may come for you, or for me, I'll always be your best friend.

The Start of A New Blog

Hi, Hello, Heyyyy.

I made a new blog! :) This blog will be alive and running though. This will be filled with sadness and such, and the other blog will be about anything.. not sad. :))

http://ubaygoes.blogspot.com :)

What is moody.

So, I'm a freaking moody person. My mood as of this moment, is pissed. I'm freaking disappointed that I didn't get to talk to my dude as much as I wanted to today. There's always something in the way. I don't want to sound aggressive, or maybe clingy, but dude, I want to talk to you everyday, every hour, every minute if I could.

Not just that,I sent you a long message about how I feel, and you're acting like you didn't even read it. Eff this, I don't want to talk about this. Just the fact that I was waiting for your text the whole damn day, and I keep getting these short, almost senseless texts from you. It's frustrating. I was hoping to turn this day around by talking to you on the phone, but no, your game's much more important. Hey, it's fine with me, do what you want to do, just don't get too shocked that I'm pissed off.

And.. this post is not yet over.

So, it was family spa day today. The massage was relaxing, yes. I finally tried the hot stone massage. It was.. EH, nothing special. My whole Sunday was supposed to be relaxing, but no. After the massage. I had to wait one and a half hour for my parents to finish. The chair I was sitting on sucked, that my back hurt after sitting there for minutes. So much for a pain-free day. And, not just that.. I didn't get my foot spa, even though I was the one who really wanted one.. Long story short, my parents got the foot spa. Last month ko pa gusto ng foot spa, guys. Sino bang hindi mababadtrip dun? I was so desperate to get my callus removed, that I actually tried giving myself a foot spa. Emphasis on the tried part, because I failed. I even got wounds from this sad attempt.

So, I was waiting for them, right? Since you're not freaking texting me, I decided to read an old magazine that the spa provided me. It was the October 2010 issue of the Starstudio magazine, I think? The cover spread was about the adventure Mariel Rodriguez and Robin Padilla went through in India. It was an amazing love story, like a fairy tale, only true.

I can't help but feel jealous. What they had was love, true love. Why can't I freaking feel that way? Did I really give up on love already? Because it feels like it. Here I am with an awesome man beside me, and I'm still not contented. It feels like there's something more to this. He is truly the answer to my prayers, but why do I feel this way? Why do I still feel alone? Am I still adjusting? Answer me. Because I feel freaking sad tonight, and all I want in my life is to feel happy. I want to feel that temporary bliss again. It's addicting, and it's all I ever think about.

And here you are, talking to me, turning my day around, ruining the mood of this blog. You make me remember how much you make me happy. How much you love me. How much I love you. I can't stop smiling. I'm so lucky to have you. I feel contented now, and happy, and loved. You're my Robin, and I love you. :)

Sana I'm talking to you lagi na lang para di na ko maging sad, ever.

This blog's over. :P

Oops. No, it's not. Our phone call's over and I'm in a bad mood again. I freaking want to talk to you more. :( Yes, you explained to me why you didn't get to text me as much as you wanted to, and yes your reasons are more than valid, but dear.. You clearly have no idea how much I missed you today.

Overjoyed. Overloved. Over me.

I'm not heartbroken so this entry won't probably have much sense. My heart is happy tonight. Monty. You make my heart happy, you freaking lazy spoiled ass shit.

I'm still overwhelmed by the idea that he's in love with me. I can't believe it at first, but lately his actions are.. touching. Is that the right term? :)) It feels like as if I'm the most important person in his world right now. It was worrying at first, but lately.. I'm grateful. I'm very thankful to have found someone who would actually love me this much. :)

But, the problem is, I'm not yet ready to commit again. I mean, I'm ready to be exclusive again, but I'm not yet ready to give myself up, as much as I did during my previous relationship. I just lost so much of myself that I'm now afraid to lose who I am again. See, after the break up, I was such a disaster (Read previous blog entries for proof). I'm really thankful for my friends because they're the ones who helped me build up myself again. I'd also like to thank alcohol, I PROBABLY couldn't have done it without you. Grabe, I love my friends. That's why, this time, I'll make sure that I will have time for you guys.

That's why I couldn't love you as much as you love me. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what might happen if ever you'd leave me. That's why I need to be sure of us first. Am I some weak shit? :|

Please don't get me wrong, I really do love you. I just won't let myself be stupid again, and give up everything for a guy. Not yet :|

Overwhelmed

So, this is it. Things have been moving really quickly and I'm a little overwhelmed by the idea that I will soon be in a relationship once again. I feel worried because I know for myself that I'm not yet ready to be committed to a person again. I don't want to give myself up just yet. Hay, I really was not expecting anything from this :|

I like him, yes. But, I can feel it, I'm not yet in love with him. I DON'T KNOW. Sure, I think about him all the time. But that's not enough to say that I love him, right? I really feel like I don't :| And I feel guilty because I made him feel like my feelings are serious. :| I'm not saying I'm not serious about him. I am. Everything's just happening too fast for me. I'm scared to rush things. I want to be sure of what I feel first. :|

Hey, bitch. I just heard your voice from my imagination. Hahahaha, I love you. ;;)

Yea, I'll just see what happens later today. I'm freaking excited to see you. :)

Unorganized thoughts

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in fairy tale endings, and I hope to have mine someday, soon.

I am over my ex, I think. It's been almost a year. He has his new girlfriend and frankly, I'm not that bothered about them anymore. I feel relieved that I'm not his girlfriend anymore. Guys, you have NO IDEA how much of a jerk Amos is. Sure he loves his woman, but when you know what he's up to, you should be scared. ANYWAY. I don't think about him that much anymore. In fact, I only think about him when other people mention him. Well, I've been thinking about him lately because we saw each other by coincidence last week. And, it was not awkward. :thumbsup:

So, yea, I kind of like this guy. Do you know what I realized tonight? That I don't actually like him. I mean, I like him. But I don't like him, to the point that I'd be all depressed about it when he rejects me. Honestly, it's okay. I'd feel a bit sad about it, but not depressed. I don't actually want him to be my boyfriend. I just want some inspiration. If he'd be my boyfriend, then great! But if not, I'M FINE WITH IT. As I've been telling you Monty, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME. :)))

I just need someone to flirt with, to distract me from the horrible things the world has to give. So yea, I'm addicted to love. Love has been the most important thing to me ever since I've watched my fairy tales. I will NEVER give up on the idea that my prince is somewhere out there, searching for me.

Frankly, I don't see Monty as my prince. I see him as an awesome dude that would really make me happy if ever we'd be together. But no, we will not be together, ever. I think.

Maybe this is my defense mechanism? Making excuses just to feel better about Monty NOT liking me. Hmm. I don't know. I'm still getting to know myself better, so.. bear with me people. :))

I'm confused. I'm sad, at the same time, I'm not. I've decided to lay low on Monty's business. Sure, I will miss him. But, you know what, I'm fine. Heeeee, this could be a sign. I'm not yet in love with him. AWW YEAA.

I don't think I'm ready to totally sacrifice myself again to anyone, anyway. After Amos, I've been feeling hesitant on giving away feelings for anyone. This feeling for Monty, what the hell, this just happened. This was not my choice. I just realized one day that I'm freaking attracted to him. That one day when I realized that I was searching for him. I wanted him to talk to me, and notice me. It was something even I had a hard time to accept. He was not my type. There's just something about him. I don't know.

I don't want to fall in love with him, please God.

Hey, someone will appreciate me someday. 8->

Confused shit

So, there's this guy. I liked him for so long, that I feel like I'm in love with him already. I don't know. I've already given up on the idea of us being together, so I was not really expecting anything. I was planning to just feel all these kilig feelings whenever I'm with him.

But then he gave me some attention. And not just some attention, he was flirting with me. So, I was kind of hoping that he likes me too. But then, he indirectly told me that all these time, he knew that I liked him. He also indirectly told me that he's not interested in me. It kind of made me sad because he kind of gave me false hope. Medyo paasa.

He knows what he's doing. He knows what's happening, but still, he keeps on staying with me. I don't know if I should be touched or worried. Is he doing these because he likes me? Or maybe he just wants someone to flirt with? Well, he got plenty of those, so.. Hmm. Maybe he just wants someone around, to like him? Yea, I could be that person. Because this feeling won't go away any time soon, I can just feel it.

Do you know what's more sad about this? If ever he would actually like me, it would probably be because I like him. Gets mo? If he haven't found out that I liked him, then we would probably be just friends until now. He would never have interest in me.

Or maybe he's not that kind of person? I don't know. He told me that himself anyway. He told me he's confused. He doesn't know if he really likes me or maybe he just missed having a girlfriend.

That's what I like about him. Well, that's what makes me fall in love with him more. He's honest. Brutally honest, yes. But, honest. I'm happy that he tells me these kinds of things. He talks about his feelings freely. He even tells me his perv thoughts :)))) Not a pretty thing to hear, but I'd rather have him say it, than have him keep it all inside. I don't want any huge wave of pervness :)))))

The more I talk to him, the more I fall for him. He's different.

And I can tell all of these things to you. I can trust you with my feelings, I know. You're the kindest guy I've ever liked. =)))

I love you, you stupid ass shit.

I will have my fairy tale ending someday

Last night, I discovered that.. when my ex was asked what was his biggest regret, he said it was Clare. Clare is this uber pretty friend I have, she's so fucking cute =)) I didn't know Amos had a thing for Clare, or I just couldn't remember.

This made me realize that I am not pretty. I mean, boys would like me because they could have me. They have a chance with me, not because they think I'm special or anything. :( It really made me sad. So, I've decided to lay low on guys. I mean, what the fuck, why am I wasting time on making someone like me. If we were meant to be together, then he would've already liked me, I think. My point is, I don't want to force anyone to like me. I mean, I don't want to make the first moves anymore. I will wait, someone will like me. Medyo bata pa naman ako, may mabibighani pa sa'kin siguro. (A line form a Sugarfree song)

Why can't I just live happily without any guy. I know I can, but I don't know how to. I'm the most lovestrucked person I know. Searching for love has become my obsession.

You be the judge.

I felt an improvement today. So, yea, after maybe weeks of stopping myself from looking at my ex's profile, I did today. I was curious on what he's doing lately. Does that mean I haven't been able to move on yet? Maybe, maybe not.

I saw some pretty horrible things. Well, not horrible exactly. It's.. about THEM. The weird thing is that, I was not hurt because they're together and everything, but.. I was hurt because I just remembered how much lies he told me, how much of a lie he is. I mean, why would anyone do that? What did I do to deserve those lies? :|

Maybe he found his soulmate. Maybe he had no other choice but to leave me. It's okay. For your happiness, I'm fine with it.

But, you know what, I'm KIND OF happy because I have found someone else, that I am sure.. IF EVER he would actually love me, he will not be THIS bitch about it. I wish he'd just like me and then get this over with. Let's proceed to the labidabs part. :))

I can honestly say that he's not a rebound of some sort, because I was already moving on when I realized I like him. It's not like.. I like him just to like someone. I like him because he's awesome.

It's not like I planned this. It just happened.

Whenever I imagine my life with him, everything seems so much better.

Well, you be the judge. Do you think this is a rebound thing? For me kasi, it's not. I had my fair share of moving on time. I think I'm ready for a new relationship now.

But, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not. Who knows? Who the hell knows.

Crush him

I feel happy and inspired. Having a crush on someone is not as heartbreaking as I expect it to be. It's all full of that kilig moments that I love. HAHAHA. Hopefully this won't just stop at this stage. But it probably will. He doesn't like me, and that's that. :( I'd rather.. NOT ASSUME. BUT WHO KNOWS? Who the hell knows.

Paulo Coelho once tweeted "People who love in the expectation of being loved in return are wasting their time" Yes, I'm expecting SOMETHING TO HAPPEN, so is that wasting my time? Am I stupid? :( BUT OH WELL, this crush thing will stay like this forever. This relationship is a one way thing anyway. :(

UGGGGGH. I don't know. I don't want to expect anything, but I want SOMETHING to happen.

Don't get your hopes up.

This Is How I Define Love

Love. What is love? :| Maybe' I'm too young for this stuff. Maybe, I don't know a single thing about love. All I know is, love is a fairy tale story that will end with a happily ever after. And the search for my prince charming shall start IMMEDIATELY. =))

If something's meant to happen, it will happen, right? So.. there's this new guy, right? I'm starting to like him more and more, and I don't know if this is safe or what :| I want to just trust God. Maybe if this certain person doesn't like me, then he's not meant for me. Maybe it's that simple.

Love isn't supposed to be planned anyway. I mean, yea I like this guy, but I won't give him a flower or anything. I will just be who I am whenever I'm with him, and see how things will go. I'll give him my go signals, and that's it. If he won't fall in love with me, then I shall move on. It's that simple. Theoretically simple, of course.

Maybe, love is a kind of surprise gift from God. And a lesson for all of us, that things doesn't always go the way you planned it to, and that God will only give what's the best for you.

It's KIND OF funny when I think about this new guy. He's not EXACTLY my type, physically. But his personality's perfect. I can live with that for the rest of my life, I think xD

BUT, always expect the unexpected. Love is something that comes into your life naturally. Don't give in to the social pressure of the need to find the right one for you already. Don't be sad for not finding the right one for you, YET. PATIENCE, my friend. God will give you the most awesome person for you.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but SOMEDAY. You will certainly NOT die alone XD

I believe in destiny, yes. And that everything happens for a reason. We should not let any day pass without living in it. Live life to the fullest, yes, all people should do that. God made us alive because of SOMETHING.

I'm not really a religious person, but I believe in God, and that He's smart enough to make all these a reality.

Problems are made for us to solve. God will never give us anything we can't solve. Never give up.

Now, I shall let destiny lead the way.

I live a sad life.

So, I saw Amos yesterday. Yep, he's still so cute :3 I tried to avoid looking at him, but his cuteness is like.. magnetic O_O :))

We didn't talk to each other. We didn't even greet each other. Mainly because we didn't have the chance to. I think he was trying to avoid me? I don't know exactly. I talked to his dad and siblings, so.. I really don't know. :))

What I'm really thinking about is.. Why is he doing this? I mean, what are his true feelings? Because I can SOMEHOW feel like.. he's lying to himself. But, what do I know. I didn't get to talk to him for the past few months anyway. Maybe he's in a different state of mind now? Maybe he's a different person now? Well, I doubt that.

How I wish he'd be mature enough to face all of the things he did wrong. I wish he'd just apologize to me SINCERELY.

I wish he's really happy with his life right now because I can't do anything to help him be happy. GETS NIYO BA KO? :|

Teach me how to let go.

So, there's this guy.

I like this certain guy. Ewan ko pa, actually. As of now, no one but myself knows that I'm starting to feel serious about this guy. Pero, I don't want to go there, yet. I don't want to fall in love with him yet because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't exactly know what his true feelings are, but I think I have an idea.. and I can somehow say that he's not interested in me. Sad.

We spend time together.. but not alone though. There are alone times but.. not romantic ones.

I love spending time with him. But no, he doesn't feel the same way. I THINK. Hopefully, I'm wrong.. but I'm probably right.

So, I'm going to keep this secret with me until.. he likes me. :B

How to Solve All Your Problems

I can't say this enough, pero grabe, MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST PEOPLE EVER. Sobrang, I love them. I'd probably be dead without them. LITERALLY DEAD. Okay lang kahit binubully ako ng mga peeps, I still feel your love =))))))))

I've been so happy lately. I keep on thinking that something bad will happen soon. I can just feel it, for months now. You'll probably know via twitter and/or facebook if ever that bad thing would actually happen because.. Yeaaaaa, I'm a social network person. :))

Tonight, I feel like something's missing. I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS EXACTLY. I mean, maybe a lovelife, but I don't want to be in a commitment right now actually. I just want to share my happiness with someone, and I don't want to feel alone. I bet none of you got that. I want someone to whom I could tell all my stories to.

Am I selfish? I also want someone who depends on me. Like, I want to feel like someone needs me, as in.. I'm the most important person in someone's life. Does that make up for my selfishness? Wait, that's more selfishness! What's wrong with me :(

Maybe I'll be happy then? Or maybe not. Probably not.

But wait, I don't know what the meaning of happiness is anymore. What is happiness, really? Can I really reach that state, like.. permanently? Happiness is like a temporary high. It will soon be gone. So, what's the point of wanting it anyway? Yea, life's too complicated for me, kill me now.

I'm "chasing down every temporary high" sabi ni Stacie Orrico. I'm chasing happiness. Hindi ba lahat naman tayo? Who would want to be sad :( After happiness, there's no other way forward but to be.. unhappy. SO, WHAT TO DO?! Live life and don't think about stuff. Yea that's the solution. Thank you brain cells, may you rest in peace.

My mind's all twisted.

It's not love that upsets me everyday, it's how the world works. It's how unfair the world is. It starts with love, but it ends in a whole different thing, my thoughts I mean.

As we all know I still can't get over that cute man :( And I have no choice but to move on and to continue living this life. That is because I am a girl, and I'm not suppose to chase him. I want to win him back again, but I can't because it's not the right thing to do. Plus I'd look desperate and pathetic, which I am not. I just don't want to give up on us, yet. I still believe that it's true love. I just don't know what happened. What happened? WHO HAPPENED?

Now, I have to find or wait or whatever for the next guy, who should be worthy of me and my love. And to find that right guy, I need to look pretty. I mean, looks will probably be the first thing to matter in finding the right guy, yes? Or no? Maybe I'm stupid. SORRY. But that's how I see the world. And most probably, it's how most of us see it.

So, I have to look pretty, which is a bit challenging for me because.. I'm not pretty :< Well, at least by our national standard of prettiness, which is.. light-skinned, flawless, soft hair, sexy (meaning great ass and boobs), and.. I don't know.. international-looking? :))) We all have our different standards of beauty, yes. But, those are, I think, the most common description of a pretty person in the Philippines. Now, let us compare. Nope, I'm not light skinned, I'm not flawless, I have a very dry hair, I look like a stick, and I do not look like I came from another country. So, that's a big NO. :)) I'm not ugly though. I mean, AT LEAST FOR ME. Everyone has a standard on ugliness too, right? I don't think I'm THAT ugly :< I'm cute, SOMETIMES :)))))))))))))

So, looks to get someone's attention.. FAIL. :))

It's not that I think looks are very important, and so does the next guy for me. But, it's the first step to get someone's attention. I don't want the next guy to like me because of my looks, it's just.. HOW WOULD I GET HIS ATTENTION IF I'M UGLY. Okay, do you understand now? Because I'm already hearing future comments in my head, so I'm defending myself as early as now. :))

Now, personality. I don't know. I think I'm kind of.. a good person. But, not so much that I'm like Mother Teresa something. But I make sure, that my intentions are good, and I'm always in the right place. I always make sure that I'm hurting no one. And at times, when I'd realize that what I am doing is wrong, I put an end to it immediately. And I do all of these not because I'd like people to approve of me, but because it's the right thing to do.

They say I have this strong personality. Is that good or bad? I have no idea. I'm loud. I'm annoying at times. I'm moody. and I'm emo. So, I'm probably not in anyone's wishlist right now =)))) But I can make sure that I will love the next guy as much as I can. :B

So, probably no one wants me. I WILL DIE ALONE GUYS. :)) But I won't give up on love. NEVER. That is a promise.

With my looks and personality, I probably won't find the next guy soon. See how the world sucks? I don't want to try to look pretty just to catch someone's attention, and I don't want to be someone I'm not, just to satisfy anyone.

Well, at least I won't find the wrong guys. I mean, I won't find anyone who will like me just because of my looks, because I have no looks. And I won't find anyone who will like me because I'm super kind, and angelic.. because I'm not. ACCEPT MY FLAWS. DEAL WITH IT. At least, when someone would like me, he would've accepted everything that I am. A reason why the world doesn't suck THAT much.

It still sucks, though. Why can't I do what I want to do without looking pathetic? I also can't be the one who'd make things happen for a relationship to start. It's like, I don't get to choose, I get chosen. What if I want to choose? And I want to prove to the person I chose that I deserve him? Can I court him? Of course, I can't. Because it's wrong, and I will look desperate. Which, AGAIN, is not true.

The world sucks. Why do I have to live this kind of life? When will my life be sensible again? Probably when I choose to make a sense of it? :)) My questions are easily answered but the answers are difficult to execute. :<

It upsets me everyday, that I can't make a sense of everything. We'll all die someday, and after that.. when will everyone go? Will all of us be ghosts? Just ghosts of the past? I'll probably be a ghost because I can't easily let go of the past :< Maybe someday I'll get to learn how to do that. MAYBE :B

IT'S HOW THE WORLD WORKS. Why can't I just live 2000 years ago when living life is simple. Why do I have to worry about Love, and being alone? Can't I just marry all my friends? :< Why are we all being pressured to find the right one. And why would people let them go when they've found them? Why give up? You've been searching for the right one your whole life, and now that he or she is here, you're letting him/her go? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAAAAAAT?

I wish people would just find their partner, be faithful to them, marry them, have kids, then just die.

And don't get me started on the point of money. I wish people would just live equally. GRABE.

WHY ARE WE DOING THESE. Why can't we just make life less complicated? Stay good and then go to heaven. As simple as that.

SO MY MIND'S TWISTED? :)) I over analyze things :(

The next guy must be very lucky.

Do you know why I miss you? It's because when we were still together, I live in this imaginary world where nothing matters but you. Well, that was true until my friends slowly brought me to the real world. My friends, are the best things that ever happened to me. They tell me what I need to hear: the truth. AND YEP, TRUTH HURTS.

Maybe God's trying to tell me to snap out of that imaginary world. Maybe God's trying to tell me that it's time to face the truth: that Amos.. and my lovelife are not the only things important in my life. And that, at this age, it should be.. NOT my problem.

Oh well, at least, I've had my fair share of experience. And these are what I have learned from them:

From my first relationship: a person can leave you.. JUST BECAUSE.
From my second relationship: a person can use you. And that, I should not trust anyone easily. I should really be sure of what more there is for me. And that, I am important, too. Not just him.
From my third and, currently last relationship: A person can and will change. And I should be ready for that. Also that, I should learn how to balance my life. It's not all about love. It's about self-improvement, too.. And lots of other things. I must choose a partner who can help me be a better person, and hopefully, I can help him be better too. Hmm. I must love myself first, before loving anyone else. And I should be cautious.. hopefully NOT TOO MUCH, but.. cautious enough to see if he's not right for me. Hmm. I've learned that there should be trust in a relationship, and it's one of the most important thing. Hmm. There are still so many lessons to be written in this list, but.. I'm just, too tired to state it all. I'm sorry. But I think, what I mentioned above were the ones that are the most important of them all.

I should be happy. I deserve to be happy. I love myself for who I am, but the idea for not living for anyone.. it's making me sad. I mean. I want to live for someone. I want to make my life sensible. I want to just give up myself for someone. I think, that's what I'm best at: loving someone. Or maybe that's Algebra? I DON'T KNOW :(


I don't know. I just feel like, if ever I'd love someone.. i.e., you.. then expect me to never ever leave your side. Because I know how it feels to be left by a person you depend on the most. I don't want anyone to feel this kind of feeling. It's the most painful thing I've ever felt. I will never leave people that I love. But if I did, then there must be a very very very very deep reason why. So, what I'm saying is, for the next guy.. YOU CAN TRUST ME. I will stay with you as long as I can. I will love you as much as I can possibly love someone.


So. I will never stop searching and/or waiting for the guy who's worthy of me. If love can wait, then I can wait for love.

See? I love myself.

When will it be my turn to be happy again?

Things I realized today: People change. Sounds cliche, right? But it's true. It's the same person with a different personality, and a different point of view. He or she may have the same memory, the same experiences, but not the feelings. Feelings change, and that's just how the world goes.

My feelings will change someday. Maybe someone clicked the slow motion button on my life remote. I still can't understand why I am still feeling these feelings. 8 months and everything that had happened to me should be enough. But no. I'm still here. What's wrong with me?

Now, all I can do is to trust God. And believe, that everything has a reason. And every problem, every pain, every challenge that I'm experiencing today, is given to me because God knows I can overcome all these.

I really don't know what to say to myself anymore. I don't know what are the right words to say to make myself feel better. I wish I could just push that fast forward button.

I just want to live my life without anything to worry about. It's my choice anyway. It's my choice to think about everything that I am thinking about. I wish I just have no control of myself. I wish I could just crush my heart into non-existence.

When will it be my turn to be happy again?