It's so hard to be in a situation where no one understands what I'm going through. Even I can't understand myself.
My body's like cut in half. Half of it wants to just let Amos go and be happy for him. Let them build their dreams. Let him replace me. Or not? Well, that's what I feel right now REPLACED. Maybe I'm not good enough for the girlfriend spot. Or maybe I'm too good for that spot. Probably not the latter.
The other half of my body just remembers everything about him, our good and bad days. Like, I want him back. I want to make him feel that I love him. I want to feel his hugs again. Nothing can ever make me feel more protected than that hug. I just miss him. I miss everything about him. And until now, I'm still wondering why these things happen to me. WHY?! I loved him more than myself. I did almost everything for him, I gave up my friends, I gave up too many opportunities just to be with him for a while. I just want to be with him, as ANYONE, as ANYTHING. Just to be with him. God, I miss him.
It's like choosing to be tired of the pain or to just love.
Life sucks.
I was stalking him online, right.. while I was reading their conversations, I realized that what he's saying was what he EXACTLY told me years ago. It's like he's repeating EVERYTHING. I felt like a lab rat or something, I felt like I was used or tested, like a part of a training ground or something.. "How to break a girl's heart".
No one can imagine how painful this is, okay? It doesn't make me feel better when you make fun of the things that I feel. Because this is true, this is painful and it's killing me. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything. Because I failed the easiest thing for me to do: to love the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't even get that right. What's wrong with me?
Is it wrong for me to feel grief after all these time? Is this wrong? Tell me, please. Because I really don't know what to do, or what to be anymore.
My body's like cut in half. Half of it wants to just let Amos go and be happy for him. Let them build their dreams. Let him replace me. Or not? Well, that's what I feel right now REPLACED. Maybe I'm not good enough for the girlfriend spot. Or maybe I'm too good for that spot. Probably not the latter.
The other half of my body just remembers everything about him, our good and bad days. Like, I want him back. I want to make him feel that I love him. I want to feel his hugs again. Nothing can ever make me feel more protected than that hug. I just miss him. I miss everything about him. And until now, I'm still wondering why these things happen to me. WHY?! I loved him more than myself. I did almost everything for him, I gave up my friends, I gave up too many opportunities just to be with him for a while. I just want to be with him, as ANYONE, as ANYTHING. Just to be with him. God, I miss him.
It's like choosing to be tired of the pain or to just love.
Life sucks.
I was stalking him online, right.. while I was reading their conversations, I realized that what he's saying was what he EXACTLY told me years ago. It's like he's repeating EVERYTHING. I felt like a lab rat or something, I felt like I was used or tested, like a part of a training ground or something.. "How to break a girl's heart".
No one can imagine how painful this is, okay? It doesn't make me feel better when you make fun of the things that I feel. Because this is true, this is painful and it's killing me. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything. Because I failed the easiest thing for me to do: to love the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't even get that right. What's wrong with me?
Is it wrong for me to feel grief after all these time? Is this wrong? Tell me, please. Because I really don't know what to do, or what to be anymore.
2 comments:
Hi, I know you might not know me. I just saw your blog and let me tell you I can relate to every blog you post, every word, every line.. And, what your going through, Yes. I been there.. I felt every thing you feeling inside your heart or probably your whole body. I tell you, everything is going to be okay. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7NfF4x0Pg Try listening to this song, it was the song almost everyday I was listening to. Somehow, it made me feel better. Day by day. :)
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