You be the judge.

I felt an improvement today. So, yea, after maybe weeks of stopping myself from looking at my ex's profile, I did today. I was curious on what he's doing lately. Does that mean I haven't been able to move on yet? Maybe, maybe not.

I saw some pretty horrible things. Well, not horrible exactly. It's.. about THEM. The weird thing is that, I was not hurt because they're together and everything, but.. I was hurt because I just remembered how much lies he told me, how much of a lie he is. I mean, why would anyone do that? What did I do to deserve those lies? :|

Maybe he found his soulmate. Maybe he had no other choice but to leave me. It's okay. For your happiness, I'm fine with it.

But, you know what, I'm KIND OF happy because I have found someone else, that I am sure.. IF EVER he would actually love me, he will not be THIS bitch about it. I wish he'd just like me and then get this over with. Let's proceed to the labidabs part. :))

I can honestly say that he's not a rebound of some sort, because I was already moving on when I realized I like him. It's not like.. I like him just to like someone. I like him because he's awesome.

It's not like I planned this. It just happened.

Whenever I imagine my life with him, everything seems so much better.

Well, you be the judge. Do you think this is a rebound thing? For me kasi, it's not. I had my fair share of moving on time. I think I'm ready for a new relationship now.

But, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not. Who knows? Who the hell knows.

Crush him

I feel happy and inspired. Having a crush on someone is not as heartbreaking as I expect it to be. It's all full of that kilig moments that I love. HAHAHA. Hopefully this won't just stop at this stage. But it probably will. He doesn't like me, and that's that. :( I'd rather.. NOT ASSUME. BUT WHO KNOWS? Who the hell knows.

Paulo Coelho once tweeted "People who love in the expectation of being loved in return are wasting their time" Yes, I'm expecting SOMETHING TO HAPPEN, so is that wasting my time? Am I stupid? :( BUT OH WELL, this crush thing will stay like this forever. This relationship is a one way thing anyway. :(

UGGGGGH. I don't know. I don't want to expect anything, but I want SOMETHING to happen.

Don't get your hopes up.

This Is How I Define Love

Love. What is love? :| Maybe' I'm too young for this stuff. Maybe, I don't know a single thing about love. All I know is, love is a fairy tale story that will end with a happily ever after. And the search for my prince charming shall start IMMEDIATELY. =))

If something's meant to happen, it will happen, right? So.. there's this new guy, right? I'm starting to like him more and more, and I don't know if this is safe or what :| I want to just trust God. Maybe if this certain person doesn't like me, then he's not meant for me. Maybe it's that simple.

Love isn't supposed to be planned anyway. I mean, yea I like this guy, but I won't give him a flower or anything. I will just be who I am whenever I'm with him, and see how things will go. I'll give him my go signals, and that's it. If he won't fall in love with me, then I shall move on. It's that simple. Theoretically simple, of course.

Maybe, love is a kind of surprise gift from God. And a lesson for all of us, that things doesn't always go the way you planned it to, and that God will only give what's the best for you.

It's KIND OF funny when I think about this new guy. He's not EXACTLY my type, physically. But his personality's perfect. I can live with that for the rest of my life, I think xD

BUT, always expect the unexpected. Love is something that comes into your life naturally. Don't give in to the social pressure of the need to find the right one for you already. Don't be sad for not finding the right one for you, YET. PATIENCE, my friend. God will give you the most awesome person for you.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but SOMEDAY. You will certainly NOT die alone XD

I believe in destiny, yes. And that everything happens for a reason. We should not let any day pass without living in it. Live life to the fullest, yes, all people should do that. God made us alive because of SOMETHING.

I'm not really a religious person, but I believe in God, and that He's smart enough to make all these a reality.

Problems are made for us to solve. God will never give us anything we can't solve. Never give up.

Now, I shall let destiny lead the way.

I live a sad life.

So, I saw Amos yesterday. Yep, he's still so cute :3 I tried to avoid looking at him, but his cuteness is like.. magnetic O_O :))

We didn't talk to each other. We didn't even greet each other. Mainly because we didn't have the chance to. I think he was trying to avoid me? I don't know exactly. I talked to his dad and siblings, so.. I really don't know. :))

What I'm really thinking about is.. Why is he doing this? I mean, what are his true feelings? Because I can SOMEHOW feel like.. he's lying to himself. But, what do I know. I didn't get to talk to him for the past few months anyway. Maybe he's in a different state of mind now? Maybe he's a different person now? Well, I doubt that.

How I wish he'd be mature enough to face all of the things he did wrong. I wish he'd just apologize to me SINCERELY.

I wish he's really happy with his life right now because I can't do anything to help him be happy. GETS NIYO BA KO? :|

Teach me how to let go.

So, there's this guy.

I like this certain guy. Ewan ko pa, actually. As of now, no one but myself knows that I'm starting to feel serious about this guy. Pero, I don't want to go there, yet. I don't want to fall in love with him yet because I'm afraid of rejection. I don't exactly know what his true feelings are, but I think I have an idea.. and I can somehow say that he's not interested in me. Sad.

We spend time together.. but not alone though. There are alone times but.. not romantic ones.

I love spending time with him. But no, he doesn't feel the same way. I THINK. Hopefully, I'm wrong.. but I'm probably right.

So, I'm going to keep this secret with me until.. he likes me. :B

How to Solve All Your Problems

I can't say this enough, pero grabe, MY FRIENDS ARE THE BEST PEOPLE EVER. Sobrang, I love them. I'd probably be dead without them. LITERALLY DEAD. Okay lang kahit binubully ako ng mga peeps, I still feel your love =))))))))

I've been so happy lately. I keep on thinking that something bad will happen soon. I can just feel it, for months now. You'll probably know via twitter and/or facebook if ever that bad thing would actually happen because.. Yeaaaaa, I'm a social network person. :))

Tonight, I feel like something's missing. I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS EXACTLY. I mean, maybe a lovelife, but I don't want to be in a commitment right now actually. I just want to share my happiness with someone, and I don't want to feel alone. I bet none of you got that. I want someone to whom I could tell all my stories to.

Am I selfish? I also want someone who depends on me. Like, I want to feel like someone needs me, as in.. I'm the most important person in someone's life. Does that make up for my selfishness? Wait, that's more selfishness! What's wrong with me :(

Maybe I'll be happy then? Or maybe not. Probably not.

But wait, I don't know what the meaning of happiness is anymore. What is happiness, really? Can I really reach that state, like.. permanently? Happiness is like a temporary high. It will soon be gone. So, what's the point of wanting it anyway? Yea, life's too complicated for me, kill me now.

I'm "chasing down every temporary high" sabi ni Stacie Orrico. I'm chasing happiness. Hindi ba lahat naman tayo? Who would want to be sad :( After happiness, there's no other way forward but to be.. unhappy. SO, WHAT TO DO?! Live life and don't think about stuff. Yea that's the solution. Thank you brain cells, may you rest in peace.

My mind's all twisted.

It's not love that upsets me everyday, it's how the world works. It's how unfair the world is. It starts with love, but it ends in a whole different thing, my thoughts I mean.

As we all know I still can't get over that cute man :( And I have no choice but to move on and to continue living this life. That is because I am a girl, and I'm not suppose to chase him. I want to win him back again, but I can't because it's not the right thing to do. Plus I'd look desperate and pathetic, which I am not. I just don't want to give up on us, yet. I still believe that it's true love. I just don't know what happened. What happened? WHO HAPPENED?

Now, I have to find or wait or whatever for the next guy, who should be worthy of me and my love. And to find that right guy, I need to look pretty. I mean, looks will probably be the first thing to matter in finding the right guy, yes? Or no? Maybe I'm stupid. SORRY. But that's how I see the world. And most probably, it's how most of us see it.

So, I have to look pretty, which is a bit challenging for me because.. I'm not pretty :< Well, at least by our national standard of prettiness, which is.. light-skinned, flawless, soft hair, sexy (meaning great ass and boobs), and.. I don't know.. international-looking? :))) We all have our different standards of beauty, yes. But, those are, I think, the most common description of a pretty person in the Philippines. Now, let us compare. Nope, I'm not light skinned, I'm not flawless, I have a very dry hair, I look like a stick, and I do not look like I came from another country. So, that's a big NO. :)) I'm not ugly though. I mean, AT LEAST FOR ME. Everyone has a standard on ugliness too, right? I don't think I'm THAT ugly :< I'm cute, SOMETIMES :)))))))))))))

So, looks to get someone's attention.. FAIL. :))

It's not that I think looks are very important, and so does the next guy for me. But, it's the first step to get someone's attention. I don't want the next guy to like me because of my looks, it's just.. HOW WOULD I GET HIS ATTENTION IF I'M UGLY. Okay, do you understand now? Because I'm already hearing future comments in my head, so I'm defending myself as early as now. :))

Now, personality. I don't know. I think I'm kind of.. a good person. But, not so much that I'm like Mother Teresa something. But I make sure, that my intentions are good, and I'm always in the right place. I always make sure that I'm hurting no one. And at times, when I'd realize that what I am doing is wrong, I put an end to it immediately. And I do all of these not because I'd like people to approve of me, but because it's the right thing to do.

They say I have this strong personality. Is that good or bad? I have no idea. I'm loud. I'm annoying at times. I'm moody. and I'm emo. So, I'm probably not in anyone's wishlist right now =)))) But I can make sure that I will love the next guy as much as I can. :B

So, probably no one wants me. I WILL DIE ALONE GUYS. :)) But I won't give up on love. NEVER. That is a promise.

With my looks and personality, I probably won't find the next guy soon. See how the world sucks? I don't want to try to look pretty just to catch someone's attention, and I don't want to be someone I'm not, just to satisfy anyone.

Well, at least I won't find the wrong guys. I mean, I won't find anyone who will like me just because of my looks, because I have no looks. And I won't find anyone who will like me because I'm super kind, and angelic.. because I'm not. ACCEPT MY FLAWS. DEAL WITH IT. At least, when someone would like me, he would've accepted everything that I am. A reason why the world doesn't suck THAT much.

It still sucks, though. Why can't I do what I want to do without looking pathetic? I also can't be the one who'd make things happen for a relationship to start. It's like, I don't get to choose, I get chosen. What if I want to choose? And I want to prove to the person I chose that I deserve him? Can I court him? Of course, I can't. Because it's wrong, and I will look desperate. Which, AGAIN, is not true.

The world sucks. Why do I have to live this kind of life? When will my life be sensible again? Probably when I choose to make a sense of it? :)) My questions are easily answered but the answers are difficult to execute. :<

It upsets me everyday, that I can't make a sense of everything. We'll all die someday, and after that.. when will everyone go? Will all of us be ghosts? Just ghosts of the past? I'll probably be a ghost because I can't easily let go of the past :< Maybe someday I'll get to learn how to do that. MAYBE :B

IT'S HOW THE WORLD WORKS. Why can't I just live 2000 years ago when living life is simple. Why do I have to worry about Love, and being alone? Can't I just marry all my friends? :< Why are we all being pressured to find the right one. And why would people let them go when they've found them? Why give up? You've been searching for the right one your whole life, and now that he or she is here, you're letting him/her go? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAAAAAAT?

I wish people would just find their partner, be faithful to them, marry them, have kids, then just die.

And don't get me started on the point of money. I wish people would just live equally. GRABE.

WHY ARE WE DOING THESE. Why can't we just make life less complicated? Stay good and then go to heaven. As simple as that.

SO MY MIND'S TWISTED? :)) I over analyze things :(

The next guy must be very lucky.

Do you know why I miss you? It's because when we were still together, I live in this imaginary world where nothing matters but you. Well, that was true until my friends slowly brought me to the real world. My friends, are the best things that ever happened to me. They tell me what I need to hear: the truth. AND YEP, TRUTH HURTS.

Maybe God's trying to tell me to snap out of that imaginary world. Maybe God's trying to tell me that it's time to face the truth: that Amos.. and my lovelife are not the only things important in my life. And that, at this age, it should be.. NOT my problem.

Oh well, at least, I've had my fair share of experience. And these are what I have learned from them:

From my first relationship: a person can leave you.. JUST BECAUSE.
From my second relationship: a person can use you. And that, I should not trust anyone easily. I should really be sure of what more there is for me. And that, I am important, too. Not just him.
From my third and, currently last relationship: A person can and will change. And I should be ready for that. Also that, I should learn how to balance my life. It's not all about love. It's about self-improvement, too.. And lots of other things. I must choose a partner who can help me be a better person, and hopefully, I can help him be better too. Hmm. I must love myself first, before loving anyone else. And I should be cautious.. hopefully NOT TOO MUCH, but.. cautious enough to see if he's not right for me. Hmm. I've learned that there should be trust in a relationship, and it's one of the most important thing. Hmm. There are still so many lessons to be written in this list, but.. I'm just, too tired to state it all. I'm sorry. But I think, what I mentioned above were the ones that are the most important of them all.

I should be happy. I deserve to be happy. I love myself for who I am, but the idea for not living for anyone.. it's making me sad. I mean. I want to live for someone. I want to make my life sensible. I want to just give up myself for someone. I think, that's what I'm best at: loving someone. Or maybe that's Algebra? I DON'T KNOW :(


I don't know. I just feel like, if ever I'd love someone.. i.e., you.. then expect me to never ever leave your side. Because I know how it feels to be left by a person you depend on the most. I don't want anyone to feel this kind of feeling. It's the most painful thing I've ever felt. I will never leave people that I love. But if I did, then there must be a very very very very deep reason why. So, what I'm saying is, for the next guy.. YOU CAN TRUST ME. I will stay with you as long as I can. I will love you as much as I can possibly love someone.


So. I will never stop searching and/or waiting for the guy who's worthy of me. If love can wait, then I can wait for love.

See? I love myself.

When will it be my turn to be happy again?

Things I realized today: People change. Sounds cliche, right? But it's true. It's the same person with a different personality, and a different point of view. He or she may have the same memory, the same experiences, but not the feelings. Feelings change, and that's just how the world goes.

My feelings will change someday. Maybe someone clicked the slow motion button on my life remote. I still can't understand why I am still feeling these feelings. 8 months and everything that had happened to me should be enough. But no. I'm still here. What's wrong with me?

Now, all I can do is to trust God. And believe, that everything has a reason. And every problem, every pain, every challenge that I'm experiencing today, is given to me because God knows I can overcome all these.

I really don't know what to say to myself anymore. I don't know what are the right words to say to make myself feel better. I wish I could just push that fast forward button.

I just want to live my life without anything to worry about. It's my choice anyway. It's my choice to think about everything that I am thinking about. I wish I just have no control of myself. I wish I could just crush my heart into non-existence.

When will it be my turn to be happy again?

The Nameless Blog

So, here I am again with my sadness and loneliness :| For the past few days, something.. moderately big happened in my life, so I paid so much attention into that event that Amos crossed my mind like.. 3 times less than normal. But whenever I think about him, I can't stop thinking about how he's doing.. how THEY're doing. I HONESTLY HONESTLY HONESTLY want Amos to be unhappy all his life without me, but at the same time.. I want him to be happy with his life. I mean, I love him and I want the best for him. But I want him to regret leaving me. It's pointless to live my life just to prove Amos wrong.. but, I think, that's the only thing I can do right now.. without being self destructing.

That moderately big event that happened recently.. it has to do with my self-destructiveness. I regret doing what I did. And I have alcohol to blame for that. But, oh well. It will happen sooner or later anyway.. I just didn't expect it to happen THIS SOON.

Sorry for the people affected. Blame it on the alcohol :|

Do you know how desperate I am to distract myself from thinking about Amos? So desperate that I did what I did. And, even after getting wasted, I still want to drink alcohol everyday, because when I'm drunk, I don't get to control what I think and feel. I don't get to control anything. Because when I control things, I tend to think about Amos.. I tend to want to talk to him, and be with him.

I want to smoke out my lungs to death. I want to drink alcohol everyday. I want to try drugs. I want to kill myself. All of these, just because you left me.

And the reason I won't do those things.. are my friends. MY BEST FRIENDS. And it sucks that I once chose you over them.

Also, I won't do that to myself because I love myself. I love being me.

You are never better than my friends.. and you're never better than me. You are the lowest of the low.

You are an ass hole. I hope you burn in hell.

JOKE, NO. I hope you'd just set things straight and let me.. not hate you anymore.