Overjoyed. Overloved. Over me.

I'm not heartbroken so this entry won't probably have much sense. My heart is happy tonight. Monty. You make my heart happy, you freaking lazy spoiled ass shit.

I'm still overwhelmed by the idea that he's in love with me. I can't believe it at first, but lately his actions are.. touching. Is that the right term? :)) It feels like as if I'm the most important person in his world right now. It was worrying at first, but lately.. I'm grateful. I'm very thankful to have found someone who would actually love me this much. :)

But, the problem is, I'm not yet ready to commit again. I mean, I'm ready to be exclusive again, but I'm not yet ready to give myself up, as much as I did during my previous relationship. I just lost so much of myself that I'm now afraid to lose who I am again. See, after the break up, I was such a disaster (Read previous blog entries for proof). I'm really thankful for my friends because they're the ones who helped me build up myself again. I'd also like to thank alcohol, I PROBABLY couldn't have done it without you. Grabe, I love my friends. That's why, this time, I'll make sure that I will have time for you guys.

That's why I couldn't love you as much as you love me. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what might happen if ever you'd leave me. That's why I need to be sure of us first. Am I some weak shit? :|

Please don't get me wrong, I really do love you. I just won't let myself be stupid again, and give up everything for a guy. Not yet :|

Overwhelmed

So, this is it. Things have been moving really quickly and I'm a little overwhelmed by the idea that I will soon be in a relationship once again. I feel worried because I know for myself that I'm not yet ready to be committed to a person again. I don't want to give myself up just yet. Hay, I really was not expecting anything from this :|

I like him, yes. But, I can feel it, I'm not yet in love with him. I DON'T KNOW. Sure, I think about him all the time. But that's not enough to say that I love him, right? I really feel like I don't :| And I feel guilty because I made him feel like my feelings are serious. :| I'm not saying I'm not serious about him. I am. Everything's just happening too fast for me. I'm scared to rush things. I want to be sure of what I feel first. :|

Hey, bitch. I just heard your voice from my imagination. Hahahaha, I love you. ;;)

Yea, I'll just see what happens later today. I'm freaking excited to see you. :)

Unorganized thoughts

I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in fairy tale endings, and I hope to have mine someday, soon.

I am over my ex, I think. It's been almost a year. He has his new girlfriend and frankly, I'm not that bothered about them anymore. I feel relieved that I'm not his girlfriend anymore. Guys, you have NO IDEA how much of a jerk Amos is. Sure he loves his woman, but when you know what he's up to, you should be scared. ANYWAY. I don't think about him that much anymore. In fact, I only think about him when other people mention him. Well, I've been thinking about him lately because we saw each other by coincidence last week. And, it was not awkward. :thumbsup:

So, yea, I kind of like this guy. Do you know what I realized tonight? That I don't actually like him. I mean, I like him. But I don't like him, to the point that I'd be all depressed about it when he rejects me. Honestly, it's okay. I'd feel a bit sad about it, but not depressed. I don't actually want him to be my boyfriend. I just want some inspiration. If he'd be my boyfriend, then great! But if not, I'M FINE WITH IT. As I've been telling you Monty, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME. :)))

I just need someone to flirt with, to distract me from the horrible things the world has to give. So yea, I'm addicted to love. Love has been the most important thing to me ever since I've watched my fairy tales. I will NEVER give up on the idea that my prince is somewhere out there, searching for me.

Frankly, I don't see Monty as my prince. I see him as an awesome dude that would really make me happy if ever we'd be together. But no, we will not be together, ever. I think.

Maybe this is my defense mechanism? Making excuses just to feel better about Monty NOT liking me. Hmm. I don't know. I'm still getting to know myself better, so.. bear with me people. :))

I'm confused. I'm sad, at the same time, I'm not. I've decided to lay low on Monty's business. Sure, I will miss him. But, you know what, I'm fine. Heeeee, this could be a sign. I'm not yet in love with him. AWW YEAA.

I don't think I'm ready to totally sacrifice myself again to anyone, anyway. After Amos, I've been feeling hesitant on giving away feelings for anyone. This feeling for Monty, what the hell, this just happened. This was not my choice. I just realized one day that I'm freaking attracted to him. That one day when I realized that I was searching for him. I wanted him to talk to me, and notice me. It was something even I had a hard time to accept. He was not my type. There's just something about him. I don't know.

I don't want to fall in love with him, please God.

Hey, someone will appreciate me someday. 8->

Confused shit

So, there's this guy. I liked him for so long, that I feel like I'm in love with him already. I don't know. I've already given up on the idea of us being together, so I was not really expecting anything. I was planning to just feel all these kilig feelings whenever I'm with him.

But then he gave me some attention. And not just some attention, he was flirting with me. So, I was kind of hoping that he likes me too. But then, he indirectly told me that all these time, he knew that I liked him. He also indirectly told me that he's not interested in me. It kind of made me sad because he kind of gave me false hope. Medyo paasa.

He knows what he's doing. He knows what's happening, but still, he keeps on staying with me. I don't know if I should be touched or worried. Is he doing these because he likes me? Or maybe he just wants someone to flirt with? Well, he got plenty of those, so.. Hmm. Maybe he just wants someone around, to like him? Yea, I could be that person. Because this feeling won't go away any time soon, I can just feel it.

Do you know what's more sad about this? If ever he would actually like me, it would probably be because I like him. Gets mo? If he haven't found out that I liked him, then we would probably be just friends until now. He would never have interest in me.

Or maybe he's not that kind of person? I don't know. He told me that himself anyway. He told me he's confused. He doesn't know if he really likes me or maybe he just missed having a girlfriend.

That's what I like about him. Well, that's what makes me fall in love with him more. He's honest. Brutally honest, yes. But, honest. I'm happy that he tells me these kinds of things. He talks about his feelings freely. He even tells me his perv thoughts :)))) Not a pretty thing to hear, but I'd rather have him say it, than have him keep it all inside. I don't want any huge wave of pervness :)))))

The more I talk to him, the more I fall for him. He's different.

And I can tell all of these things to you. I can trust you with my feelings, I know. You're the kindest guy I've ever liked. =)))

I love you, you stupid ass shit.

I will have my fairy tale ending someday

Last night, I discovered that.. when my ex was asked what was his biggest regret, he said it was Clare. Clare is this uber pretty friend I have, she's so fucking cute =)) I didn't know Amos had a thing for Clare, or I just couldn't remember.

This made me realize that I am not pretty. I mean, boys would like me because they could have me. They have a chance with me, not because they think I'm special or anything. :( It really made me sad. So, I've decided to lay low on guys. I mean, what the fuck, why am I wasting time on making someone like me. If we were meant to be together, then he would've already liked me, I think. My point is, I don't want to force anyone to like me. I mean, I don't want to make the first moves anymore. I will wait, someone will like me. Medyo bata pa naman ako, may mabibighani pa sa'kin siguro. (A line form a Sugarfree song)

Why can't I just live happily without any guy. I know I can, but I don't know how to. I'm the most lovestrucked person I know. Searching for love has become my obsession.

You be the judge.

I felt an improvement today. So, yea, after maybe weeks of stopping myself from looking at my ex's profile, I did today. I was curious on what he's doing lately. Does that mean I haven't been able to move on yet? Maybe, maybe not.

I saw some pretty horrible things. Well, not horrible exactly. It's.. about THEM. The weird thing is that, I was not hurt because they're together and everything, but.. I was hurt because I just remembered how much lies he told me, how much of a lie he is. I mean, why would anyone do that? What did I do to deserve those lies? :|

Maybe he found his soulmate. Maybe he had no other choice but to leave me. It's okay. For your happiness, I'm fine with it.

But, you know what, I'm KIND OF happy because I have found someone else, that I am sure.. IF EVER he would actually love me, he will not be THIS bitch about it. I wish he'd just like me and then get this over with. Let's proceed to the labidabs part. :))

I can honestly say that he's not a rebound of some sort, because I was already moving on when I realized I like him. It's not like.. I like him just to like someone. I like him because he's awesome.

It's not like I planned this. It just happened.

Whenever I imagine my life with him, everything seems so much better.

Well, you be the judge. Do you think this is a rebound thing? For me kasi, it's not. I had my fair share of moving on time. I think I'm ready for a new relationship now.

But, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not. Who knows? Who the hell knows.