LRT

Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandirito:
Kung di kita nakilala, di sana ako nabuhay;
Kung ako'y mamamatay nang di kita nakilala,
Hindi ako mamamatay dahil hindi ako nabuhay

Pointless.

I'm tired of everything that's happening. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to do these routines anymore. I'm tired of everything. I want to just give up on life and do what I want to do without worrying about school, lovelife, money, or the future. Wouldn't that be fun? I wouldn't say my life would be pointless if that ever happens. Remember that I'll be doing what I want, what I love to do. Why can't life just be as simple as that? No responsibilities. No anything. Just you.

Ah, what a selfish thing to be thinking about.

I'M JUST TIRED OF EVERYTHING. It's like the events in my life are on repeat.

I know this is very very stupid, but.. This is all about Amos. I BET YOU SAW THAT COMING :)) I am clueless. I'm confused on what to do. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.. NO IDEA.. on the things we went through, together. And apparently, NO ONE KNOWS how much I love Amos. I TRIED TO MOVE ON AS HARD AS I COULD. I REALLY DID. Did. I stopped moving on. Because I know deep within myself that I'm kidding myself. I don't want this. I don't want any of these if Amos won't be a part of it. Yes, I am very very stupid to be controlled by the things he wants, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA, OKAY? You don't know how much I am willing to give up just for him. Tell you, I'd give up anything, everything.

What a stupid way to be in love.

I just want him back, please. God.

For now, I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of trying to be happy for him. I'm tired of lying to myself. AND FOR WHAT I HONESTLY FEEL, I feel like my life's pointless without him.

AND I SUCK FOR THESE FEELINGS.

But what do I care about what's right or wrong now.

This is what I feel. There's no right or wrong there. It's just what it is.

Help.

It's so hard to be in a situation where no one understands what I'm going through. Even I can't understand myself.

My body's like cut in half. Half of it wants to just let Amos go and be happy for him. Let them build their dreams. Let him replace me. Or not? Well, that's what I feel right now REPLACED. Maybe I'm not good enough for the girlfriend spot. Or maybe I'm too good for that spot. Probably not the latter.

The other half of my body just remembers everything about him, our good and bad days. Like, I want him back. I want to make him feel that I love him. I want to feel his hugs again. Nothing can ever make me feel more protected than that hug. I just miss him. I miss everything about him. And until now, I'm still wondering why these things happen to me. WHY?! I loved him more than myself. I did almost everything for him, I gave up my friends, I gave up too many opportunities just to be with him for a while. I just want to be with him, as ANYONE, as ANYTHING. Just to be with him. God, I miss him.

It's like choosing to be tired of the pain or to just love.

Life sucks.

I was stalking him online, right.. while I was reading their conversations, I realized that what he's saying was what he EXACTLY told me years ago. It's like he's repeating EVERYTHING. I felt like a lab rat or something, I felt like I was used or tested, like a part of a training ground or something.. "How to break a girl's heart".

No one can imagine how painful this is, okay? It doesn't make me feel better when you make fun of the things that I feel. Because this is true, this is painful and it's killing me. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Sometimes I feel like giving up on everything. Because I failed the easiest thing for me to do: to love the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't even get that right. What's wrong with me?

Is it wrong for me to feel grief after all these time? Is this wrong? Tell me, please. Because I really don't know what to do, or what to be anymore.

What?

What is this. I'm in this position yet again. But at least now, the worst thing I can think of is to learn how to smoke. And... Imma try that later :3

I wish I could rewind everything. I wish everything would just be okay and back to normal.

I remember you forcing me to choose between my friends or you. What an ass.

Stop lying.

I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I really do love him, and I'm still madly in love with him. And it hurts. It hurts to be left alone, clueless and still in love. I did not choose this.

I wish we're still together. Or.. I wish my future husband would be with me sooner. o_o

Do you know what I really think? I think I'll get over him as soon as the next guy comes in. Now when would that be? SOONER PLEASE :(

I am not who people see as a beautiful person, so I don't know why guys would choose me anyway. That makes me sad a bit. :))

I wish the person I like right now would just tell me he likes me, then we'll start on our movie-worthy love story.

Alam niyo ba. I texted Amos earlier. I texted him so many things, so many dramatic things to be exact. I got disappointed with myself but at the same time, I really wanted him to know those things.

When we were together, his password's Lovekodikko@06, JUST SAYING. :))

It's not that I can't give him up, it's that i chose not to. Because we were happy, at least that's what I think we were feeling then. And we went through big things you can't imagine.

Maybe if I was already with a new guy, Amos would get jelly and tell me everything, what he really feels. Because I really don't believe everything that's happening. I mean, who would be in love with that girl? JOKE. THAT'S MY BITTER SIDE BTW =)))))))))))))))

Why I don't believe him: I still live in the past. I can still remember everything he told me. He loves me. Maybe, he loved me.

I'm really sorry for what I made him go through. I wish our paths didn't cross like, 6 or 7 years ago.

I wish I didn't just fall in love with you. I wish you could just be happy while not hurting me.

What is this shit. Imma go. Bye.

Maybe.

As you all know, I'm still not over my ex but I'm almost there :)

So he has this girlfriend, right? And I pity this girlfriend kasi wala siyang clue about who Amos is, and what Amos is capable of doing. From my experience, he can be the sweetest person, but he can also be the worst boyfriend ever. And for the latter part, I know something that can prove that 100%. If you people would know what that is, it will blow your mind, I think.

Being with him for almost 2 years, I have discovered that he can't control his temper, and he's very unpredictable. Maybe I have no right for saying these things, but man, I do.

Maybe Amos just fell out of love months ago, and maybe he loves this new girlfriend very much, but we can't surely say that he'd not just fall out of love again, right?

I really don't want to deny it even to myself, so I'm just going to be honest here. Amos is still the person I really want to be with all of the time for the rest of my life. I still wish for him everytime I have an opportunity to wish for something. And it hurts, it really hurts to know that I was the only one being serious in our relationship then. It's not about what's right and wrong e, it's about the fact that I have accepted and loved him whole-heartedly, and I've already set my mind up that he's the one for me. He's the only one for me.

Maybe someday I'd be reading this entry and I'd be laughing at myself. Maybe my future husband's already searching for me. Maybe I have already met my future husband, but my heart's still broken to accept anyone in. Maybe.

God, it hurts. If I could really just control the world right now, I'd be with him and there would be world peace.

What's happening right now is really just stupid. Really really stupid that I pity myself that I'm in this situation right now.

Why can't I just accept it and move on?!