So, I'm here again.

I'm starting to think  that I haven't really gotten over Amos. I mean seriously, I can't fully understand what these feelings inside me mean. Maybe it was the same as Amos' when he told me "You'll always have a place in my heart." and all that bullshit. He'll always be special, I guess. He's the first man to make me feel like I'm someone different. That sounds pathetic, doesn't it? That's how I feel anyway. It still stings inside whenever I see another woman beside him: one of the perks of Facebook.. you'll always be thoroughly updated, and it comes in pictures too! -_-"

Do you know that feeling of peace when you're with a certain person? That feeling of being meant to be, like you're supposed to be together and stay that way 'til the end? Well, that's exactly how I feel about him. I've been living in denial of that feeling because I've somehow accepted the fact that we won't be getting back together anytime soon. We have our own lives now. And frankly, I just don't want to feel that sadness and disappointment of not having him, just flow around me anymore. I just want to be happy, you know? I just don't know how to let this one go. I don't know how to handle my feelings when I've been feeling this way for the last 4 years.

Don't give up

I'm scared to think about myself and to whom I had become. I'm scared of knowing that I lost a part of myself while getting here. I know I'm not perfect, but I was always trying to be. Lately, it feels like I've already given up. I'm so caught up on the things that had happened between me and my ex that I feel like I'm restricting myself from falling in love like the way I did before. And I feel so guilty because the person that has to deal with this is my most awesome boyfriend ever. I can't even begin to describe him because I can't find a word that gives justice to how amazing he is. You can't imagine how lucky I am to find a person like him. And to be in love with me, is just.. out of this world. I can't think of anything ginormously good that I had done to deserve him. If anything, I was really waiting for a punishment from all the sins I've committed. But, God, am I lucky. He is the sweetest, kindest, the most thoughtful man I've ever been with. It's ridiculous, how this world works, but this man, I won't give up for anything, even everything.

Now, back to the topic. After dealing with all the drama about my ex, and settling with the most incredible man I know, I've suddenly forgot to be a girlfriend. And I don't know how to get back into being that hopeless romantic again. Don't get me wrong, I love Motby so much, more than you can imagine. But it feels like I've given up on the thought that we'll end up together. I've been so pessimistic about everything, and this relationship is no exception. Sure, we've been dreaming about our futures together, but something inside of me is just giving up on a great future. My heart had been full of disappointments, and pain, and all things negative, and it's taking its time on recovering. And in that recovery, Motby had really been a big help. I can feel inside myself, little by little, that I've been replacing these pain and negativity, with love, and care, and happiness of being with this incredible guy. I'm slowly getting the hope that I've lost back, all thanks to this amazing boyfriend of mine. I just hope that I'll be back on my feet again before he gives up on me.

Please don't give up on me, Motby.

Not again?

My system's now filled with sadness and disappointment. I guess having a day for yourself is too much to ask. So.. oh well, I'm not special enough to have my birthday considered special. I'm just another dot in a world where everything's possible.

Hey check this out (a Conan topic changer)

Only recently have I considered me having to win all the time as an issue. I wouldn't even notice it without my boyfriend pointing it out for me. Well, I assumed that everyone has their competitive side in them, so I never really considered it an issue. Until me and my boyfriend had been constantly arguing because of it. My boyfriend is the kindest boyfriend ever, so he lets me win all the time. I don't really know what exactly is his side of the story, so I can't elaborate much on the topic. What I know is that he's fed up with all my unfair winning at everything.

I want to change, of course. I want to be better for him. But, I don't know where to start. I don't even know how. And I'm not even sure if I can really keep up with this change, so nothing's really happening. Actually we've decided to break up, so.

Yep, that's pain.

It was humiliating to cry in front of strangers. But at least, I can say I just yawned or something. Or I can just, not explain anything to them because they're just strangers. (What :)))

It had been painful. It's only been a day, yet it's as excruciating as two years worth of failure. All I wanted was for you to fight for me, to tell me that you'd still love me no matter how moody I get sometimes. But no, I guess I'm not much of an important person to fight for. I'm not that worth it.

Deja Vu it seems. Only this time, I can stop shit earlier. This time, I'll give my partner a favor and let him go this early. I won't let him suffer with me anymore. I'm a messed up person and I don't want to drag anyone into this hell hole called life.

I love him so much that I have to let go, because I know where this is going. I've been here before. And only more pain is ahead of us. I can't let you go through this. The unbearable pain is too much for a sissy boy like you. I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I'm sorry for loving you this much. I'm sorry I can't take care of you like I promised.

But just know that I'm always here. Whoever may come for you, or for me, I'll always be your best friend.

The Start of A New Blog

Hi, Hello, Heyyyy.

I made a new blog! :) This blog will be alive and running though. This will be filled with sadness and such, and the other blog will be about anything.. not sad. :))

http://ubaygoes.blogspot.com :)